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Am I at fault?

I dunno.I felt like I wasnt.Then I feel like I am.Then I feel like I'm not.
Then Im unsure.
Up and down.
And I feel bad for my ex since hes been taking care of my emotional meltdowns everynight.
All I do is cry and its at random sometimes.

I feel like maybe I gave him permission to do what he did.I wonder if it count as rape since I was already sleeping with him.I didnt even think of it as a big deal and couldnt figure out why I feel so bad.

I hate myself for it and sometimes I want to just die.I hate it.Im exhausted.Distracting myself and trying to act normal only does so much.
I keep questioning myself.Maybe he was in the right.Maybe.I dont know.

He slipped off the condom without my permission and didnt get off even when I asked him to stop over and over.
But maybe he didnt hear me
I feel stupid for trusting him with my body
I just wanted to have fun and relax

So why is he putting me through this
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HannahSky · F
You can to talk to a counselor about this that specializes in this area. Might help sort things out.
HannahSky · F
[@332555,Novascel] maybe someone objective can help you with that.
Novascel · M
[@868864,HannahSky] Thinking about going back to therapy, but its hard to find one that matches what I need. And one that is not that expensive
HannahSky · F
[@332555,Novascel] Interview a few and ask someone you trust for references.
Novascel · M
[@4199,BlueVeins] thank you mister veins, I needed to hear that
BlueVeins · 18-21, M
[@332555,Novascel] i will remind you as many times as necessary ma'am
EuphoricTurtle · 36-40, M
It wasn't your fault Novie.
It is rape even if you were sleeping with him, you could be married to him and it would still be considered rape.
Novascel · M
[@17323,EuphoricTurtle] Im trying to think of it that way.I feel kinda depressed and anxious and needy.
Novascel · M
[@440579,silver1985] I'm just feeling like I need that assurance a lot lately and I feel bad for asking for it.
silver1985 · 36-40, M
[@332555,Novascel] Hey it's okay Nova. It's not a problem to give you that assurance, and it never will be a problem.

I will continue to do it. Support is important.

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