Random

I don’t know why but I live with the paranoid feeling that god, fate, destiny or what have you, is out to get me. I don’t know why. I just been feeling like that for a while. It’s like “god” or whatever is watching my every move. For example: a guy just asked me out today but I’m not interested. I want to turn him down just for the simple fact but I can’t help but feel that if I turn him down, I’ll receive some kind of bad karma... or like I owe people something🤔at the same time, I kind of have this love hate relationship with myself. Like either I owe everyone something or everyone owes me something. Now hear me out...the only reason I could feel like everyone owes me something is because I’ve been depressed for a period of time and have some low self esteem etc so my brain says “I’m better than everyone else and everyone else needs to make me happy and do things for me because I haven’t been happy and that’s not fair.” But then my brain also says “you’re right, I’m less than everyone else. Everyone else is better than me. I suck. I’ll give everyone else everything because they deserve it and not me.” Isn’t that weird? I dislike myself but I root highly for myself at the same time. Its like I think of my self either as a piece of shit or a god. There is no in between.