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I Hide My Depression From Everyone Who Knows Me

I am sitting here under this tree in the above photo. I was driving back roads and just needed a moment for me.

This tree whom I shall forever call Augustus, seemed to beckon me to park and rest my brain for a moment, even tho I am late for my next appointment.

My life has been exciting. I have had many experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Many good ones. Many bad ones. I have not left much on the table.

I have conquered the sky as an aviator, I have conquered the sea as a diver. I conquered my fear of heights as a mountaineer. I've closed business deals where success and failure of a company were on the line.

I realized today however, that I have yet to conquer my irrational fear of being unintelligent. My entire life I have tried to feed this fear with success. Not material success. I could care less about material things. But I chased military, business and adventure success in a futile effort to myself prove that I am not a stupid person.

I do not expect you to understand. My post today is just a step for me. The first one in confronting my fear of suddenly realizing that I was right. That I am an unintelligent person.

I do not know why this matters so much or why this is such a huge issue in my life. Ironically I have no feelings either way about the intelligence of others.

I recently took another IQ test. It took a long time and when I was done I read the results. I paid a lot of money for these results.

Now the report came back with a number that kinda shocked me. One that anyone would be happy about. Instead, it just depressed me. Most people would be running around showing their friends. But me. I was just depressed. As if I felt the result could not be true. Despite this being one of many such red silts in my lifetime.

I suppose somewhere, through a maze in my mind, sits a box. A box locked with some memory or fear that I can't consciously recall. That causes me from deep inside... To not like me very much.

I have always hidden this fear of unintelligence. So posting here is terrifying. Even for a former tough guy Drill Instructor.

So thank you Augustus. For inviting me into your shade. You are a fine tree indeed.
TheSkyISee
I read all of this, and thought it over, considered it some more, and then I decided to speak up and tell you exactly what I think on this whole situation. I don't know you personally, but from what I have seen of your posts on this site. What I can gather collectively from your comments, reflections, musings, humor, and all the other many shades of you that makes up the kaleidoscope of your personality...I can most definately say with absolute certainty that you are NOT stupid. I repeat: you are not stupid. Soak it up, let that settle in, because it is the absolute truth. I personally would not place my entire value, worth and self esteem in the hands of some results of an "IQ test" that only focuses on certain aspects of the human problem solving and mathematical skills. Nor would I listen to, or entertain those nasty little whispers of self-doubt that say you are not this, not that, or not- not -not infinity. Slap them to the kerb. Quash them. All humans have these doubts, it is only natural... but you cannot listen to those negative doubts...they are just nasty little psychological 'gollums' that are trying to steal your 'ring' (aka your happiness and self worth). Instead, I firmly believe that humans have many aspects of intelligence, not limited to scientific and mathematical based IQ ( we are not machines, after all) but instead an emotional and creative intelligence is something far different and near impossible to measure, let alone formulate a 'test' to measure such. I know plenty of highly creative and intelligent people who sucked at maths/science at school but are GENIUS at whatever creative pursuits they follow now. Things that some " high IQ" wizard would never in a million years be capable of thinking up, let alone putting together ( no offence to mathematical geniuses and science nerds- I do admire what you do, even if I am not capable of undertaking it in an articulated way, myself. I simply mean to make an generalised example here. ) So do not let abstract theories of 'IQ tests' define who you are and allow you to accept a verdict or sentence of your 'officially measured IQ' ...because I think it is baloney, so to speak. You are, as a human, a living entity, a brave, smart, creative, curious mind that has a depth that is unlimited in its capability and possibilities. You are light and dark, up and down, backwards, forwards, sideways and upside down, and everything in between...and you are perfect. You are sure as heck not stupid. For if you were, you would be a 'sheep' sitting in a corner of the world somewhere somewhere, happily accepting a less-than-acceptible life, asking no questions, and thinking nothing, searching for nothing and complacently happy with the merest base line. I think you know the type of sheep I mean. And you are not, my dear, a sheep. Rise above these dark thoughts, tell them to get stuffed. Because it is not your truth. Your truth is: you are smart, capable, brave, accomplished and life is wonderful. Also: Hugs to your tree...trees are awesome. Augustus sounds like a good friend. Quiet, a good listener, a peaceful form of life and someone who takes you as you are. I like trees too. I find them peaceful and wise, with an absolute calm emanating from them, that quietens and soothes and still my soul in the most turbulent of times. Shake it off, and keep going, my friend. You are on a path of enlightenment, and this is merely a hiccup along the way. Feed the light, not the darkness. Lift yourself up. Shine. You deserve nothing less than spiritual empowerment. :)
JoannaBe
I can relate. My dad had a bad temper when I was growing up, and sometimes he would call me an idiot, and sometimes I'd believe him deep down, despite all the good grades I got in school and everything. While I struggle with low self esteem at times, there are other times when I struggle with being an intellectual snob, feeling superior and proud, and sometimes I think it is a defense, sort of going the other way because if I am intellectually superior I cannot be an in idiot, right? Although deep down I suspect that those are the times when I am more of an idiot than ever. There are times when I need others to praise me before i acknowledge my self worth. Other times when I read something I wrote over and over again, because I think it is so well written - silly me. So I can relate. And it takes effort to admit that I am neither an idiot nor a genius, and to accept self as I am, warts and all (not literal warts).
erayn
I can understand this though no matter how many times anyone praises me, I cannot believe it. my mom told me I was stupid and would always need someone to take care of me because I could never handle it on my own (ha btw bitch was right. but not to do with my brain). but the rest of the time, in front of everyone else to brag to, I was this special child genius thing. if I could just meet myself in the middle somehow..
geminikygirl16
1) intelligence is a concept no number can really measure
2) someone has compared you and you did not measure up but you do measure up. You have accomplished more in your short life than most
3). You write poetry naturally as others often struggle just to articulate a thought.
Pretty smart imho
4) bringing your fear into the light will make it not so powerful over you.
5) my youngest son has Austism aka aspergers his IQ is a little below average. 97 where 100 is average. You talk to him and you would think he is a super genius.
6) after seeing my oldest son's class ranking from his transcript he is 3.52 GPA. I did not think omg he is so low top 50% I thought dang what an academically strong school.
7). I know "intelligent" people that has no common sense
geminikygirl16
Sent you something too about your post. Do not worry about not being accepted. I been there for 26 years. You can rise above stupidity
geminikygirl16
Thanks
mmorgam
Felt very close to you in this post.
I fight each day to prove myself that I'm not inintelligent. I always had this inferior feeling. It's not that I consider myself inintelligent, I consider myself, stupid. I also did the IQ in the result was over the average.

Show to me all the best result tests and tell me all the compliments you want and I will still believe that I'm stupid. I don't know why this problem.
It's not strong enough to envy people with high intelligence, I admire them and want to learn from them. But, I always felt this way. I don't know if it's because we have hunger of knowing more and more things and as you know, it's impossible to reach everything.
mmorgam
Thank you :-).
You're true. The interesting is to have things waiting for you to discover and learn. Only trying to give some explanation to this distress.
geminikygirl16
I totally understand it. Deal with it myself but want people t see their value
mmorgam
Do you think it's a matter of insecurity or self-esteem issues? Bc I always had this problem. Still dealing with it.
HearMyEscape
That is a beautiful tree, indeed. One that has shed light not a shadow on something you desperately want from yourself. Acceptance. Being able to whole heartedly accept who you are, is first step of change. We all have our deep rooted fears. To be able to drag it up from its depths and express it is remarkable. We don't need a number or a test to prove our intelligence. Simply the fact that you capable of being you, is intelligence.
To your fear, I blow a light kiss, let it ride in the wind, for just one moment.
avicus87
I was also encouraged by my psychologist to take an IQ test, and she thought that I would score in the above average range. I didn't take it because it was expensive. I now know that getting solid proof that you are intelligent will not change the way you feel about your intelligence, which is directly linked to your self esteem.

Self esteem comes from the heart, not the head.
PhinheasGage
I was in Gifted and Talented class in school, and to this day I wonder if my parents bribed someone to let me in so I wouldn't have self esteem problems about the fact that I'm stupid.
PhinheasGage
Thank you, you're too kind. And I just can't believe it LOL.
erayn
i share your fear. was tested so much as a kid and supposedly this genius kid was I but I never saw it. I think I'm a bumbling fool.
Texaspilot · 51-55, M
I guess I always viewed compliments about my intelligence as manipulation. Combined with not believing that my intelligence was real.
erayn
yes
erayn
It was manipulation for sure for me. I learned to not care fairly young. started failing things intentionally, making sure I rebelled hard in everything. my crowning achievement was humiliating my mom through my art to be displayed at a show. morbid doesn't come close. not once ever in anything did she ever praise me but she had no problem bragging about me to anyone who would listen. I gave her nothing to brag about and decided to be the morbid dummy freak she kept saying I was. the only one who did praise me was my dad and well, yeah.
livingasme
Everything in this great universe is the perfect blend of light and dark. High and low, life and death. We ebb and flow from one extreme to the other, always in flux. Never stagnating. Enjoy the ride!
Rustedarmor
I totally understand you, pls stay strong, thanks you for sharing this part of you
Lisakerr1981
that was really good. nice words. u should be a poet lol
AhhBiteMe
Everyone has some sort of intelligence.
silentwriter180
I, too, have a special tree that I hide under. xo
Hanna8393
I like to read what you write.
stiltcourt
👌Very nice, as always. :)

 
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