What do you usually obsess over?
Besides me, that is
SW-User
Top | Newest First | Oldest First
[i]There's so much more I could be doing[/i]... Every night I have a mini-crisis before I fall asleep, feeling like I'm dying, wasting away, not living up to all the things I imagine myself doing, not doing anything substantial with my life, feeling like it's all so impossible despite having so many opportunities at my fingertips... Feeling alone... I never want the day to be over because I never do enough with my day... I never want to sleep because sleep feels like death, and it's empty and alone, and I wake up feeling disappointed anyway...
I obsess over how fucked-up the world is, and how hard it is to exist while feeling so lonely (no matter that I have someone to hold every night), how much I want to change, and how fucked-up I am for not making the most of every moment or putting in any more effort, knowing there are people out there suffering, who have it worse... The many times I didn't send that letter, make that call, do the homework, and it would've been only a few more minutes of my time... I should've done [i]this[/i], I could've done [i]that[/i], I will do [i]this[/i] tomorrow (and I never do)...
I don't live in regret, but I do have these episodes every night where I feel restless and wasted and I realize that there's no point in worrying so much, 'cause none of this will last, but I worry anyway... I am so concerned with all the things I could be doing, all the ways I was wronged and warped in the past (and continually), worrying of a dismal, inevitable future, worrying I'm not good enough for me or for others, and it prevents me from enjoying the present. The self-defeating cycle repeats itself as [i]I am late for work[/i] again, [i]I procrastinated on my homework[/i] again, [i]I failed to make my close friends/family happy[/i] again, [i]I didn't do enough today[/i] again, [i]I do not want to be in this place[/i] again, [i]Why is this happening?[/i] again.
My mental quest for purity and perfection and total concern/focus in all areas of my life is utterly exhausting and dejecting, because those things do not exist on Earth, and it is impossible for an individual person to do all the things I want to do with myself. There simply isn't enough time in any day, especially after doing all the things that are required of me, and just to sustain an uneasy facade of a "humble" person who isn't worthless, a "sincere" person who isn't prey, having to explain everything and to explain-away everything that makes me confusing to other people. I used to wish and hope for a place to "belong," but now, after many years of never finding anything remotely close to unconditional love or a healthy place to pour it into, I don't believe that place exists. I don't think I'm a bad person, actually I know I have something others don't, but ultimately, I feel like I'll never live up to anyone's expectations, especially my own.
I obsess over how fucked-up the world is, and how hard it is to exist while feeling so lonely (no matter that I have someone to hold every night), how much I want to change, and how fucked-up I am for not making the most of every moment or putting in any more effort, knowing there are people out there suffering, who have it worse... The many times I didn't send that letter, make that call, do the homework, and it would've been only a few more minutes of my time... I should've done [i]this[/i], I could've done [i]that[/i], I will do [i]this[/i] tomorrow (and I never do)...
I don't live in regret, but I do have these episodes every night where I feel restless and wasted and I realize that there's no point in worrying so much, 'cause none of this will last, but I worry anyway... I am so concerned with all the things I could be doing, all the ways I was wronged and warped in the past (and continually), worrying of a dismal, inevitable future, worrying I'm not good enough for me or for others, and it prevents me from enjoying the present. The self-defeating cycle repeats itself as [i]I am late for work[/i] again, [i]I procrastinated on my homework[/i] again, [i]I failed to make my close friends/family happy[/i] again, [i]I didn't do enough today[/i] again, [i]I do not want to be in this place[/i] again, [i]Why is this happening?[/i] again.
My mental quest for purity and perfection and total concern/focus in all areas of my life is utterly exhausting and dejecting, because those things do not exist on Earth, and it is impossible for an individual person to do all the things I want to do with myself. There simply isn't enough time in any day, especially after doing all the things that are required of me, and just to sustain an uneasy facade of a "humble" person who isn't worthless, a "sincere" person who isn't prey, having to explain everything and to explain-away everything that makes me confusing to other people. I used to wish and hope for a place to "belong," but now, after many years of never finding anything remotely close to unconditional love or a healthy place to pour it into, I don't believe that place exists. I don't think I'm a bad person, actually I know I have something others don't, but ultimately, I feel like I'll never live up to anyone's expectations, especially my own.
Experienced33 · M
ProdigalSummer · F