Do you run away from your problems/life?
My best friend pointed out that I’ve done that for as long as she’s known me.
And I do, come to think of it I’ve done it my whole life.
I remember being a kid and constantly escaping from reality, whenever anything went south in my life I would hide and go into my own reality, and put all my focus on that so that I would forget about everything else that happened around me.
And now I do the same. I turn off my phone, or I watch my phone ring, then I panic about what excuse to tell them as to why I didn’t pick up. I’ve had friends and family yell at me for going awol over some days. I ran away from my city, from my country, from all my problems, every time someone argues with me, my first instinct is to cut them loose. If they don’t try to fix it then it won’t be fixed, I’ll just accept that it’s over. Anytime I feel like someone is getting tired of me, I’m a burden or they’re about to leave, I’ll leave, I’ll run away so that they can’t hurt me.
When someone dies I run away from my feelings, I’ll drink, I’ll listen to music, I’ll just tune out everything around me to make sure I don’t face the fact that shit is going down in my life. Like; my aunt just died, but instead of talking about it, or crying, I just deleted fb for a week to not see anything about it, took anxiety medicine (which I’m not supposed to use for more than one day if needed, but I took it for 4 days), to not think - did overtime at work, by the time I got home I was so tired I crashed. My therapist asked how I was able to work on those medicines, but damn I did a little too good on it honestly.
Whenever anyone has hurt me, I’ve closed my eyes and thought of something else, just escaped mentally until it’s over. Then tuned it out with alcohol or weed, stopped eating for some days sometimes a week, or just slept until I felt better. Anything to not deal with it.
The other day we had a class at work, one hour class, ask me what I learned, I’ll dare you. I immediately started to panic just thinking about the class. Why? because there was no escaping it. There’s nothing wrong with the class, there was no danger, no reason to leave, I had no where else to be, but the fact that I HAD TO be there and I had to sit and pay attention; and had people expecting me to learn everything they said, made me want to run away.
Any situation where people tell me they have expectations of me, or they need me to do something, or worse they’re proud of me because I’m so great at something and they know that I’ll keep up on it, I’m already planning how to get out of it. And the thought of letting someone down, makes me want to pack up my bag and leave, not leave the house, no no, leave the country. Bye.
If I would’ve packed up and left every single time I had the urge to, I wouldn’t have roots anywhere.
I gotta change this, but I'm so good at it tho..
And I do, come to think of it I’ve done it my whole life.
I remember being a kid and constantly escaping from reality, whenever anything went south in my life I would hide and go into my own reality, and put all my focus on that so that I would forget about everything else that happened around me.
And now I do the same. I turn off my phone, or I watch my phone ring, then I panic about what excuse to tell them as to why I didn’t pick up. I’ve had friends and family yell at me for going awol over some days. I ran away from my city, from my country, from all my problems, every time someone argues with me, my first instinct is to cut them loose. If they don’t try to fix it then it won’t be fixed, I’ll just accept that it’s over. Anytime I feel like someone is getting tired of me, I’m a burden or they’re about to leave, I’ll leave, I’ll run away so that they can’t hurt me.
When someone dies I run away from my feelings, I’ll drink, I’ll listen to music, I’ll just tune out everything around me to make sure I don’t face the fact that shit is going down in my life. Like; my aunt just died, but instead of talking about it, or crying, I just deleted fb for a week to not see anything about it, took anxiety medicine (which I’m not supposed to use for more than one day if needed, but I took it for 4 days), to not think - did overtime at work, by the time I got home I was so tired I crashed. My therapist asked how I was able to work on those medicines, but damn I did a little too good on it honestly.
Whenever anyone has hurt me, I’ve closed my eyes and thought of something else, just escaped mentally until it’s over. Then tuned it out with alcohol or weed, stopped eating for some days sometimes a week, or just slept until I felt better. Anything to not deal with it.
The other day we had a class at work, one hour class, ask me what I learned, I’ll dare you. I immediately started to panic just thinking about the class. Why? because there was no escaping it. There’s nothing wrong with the class, there was no danger, no reason to leave, I had no where else to be, but the fact that I HAD TO be there and I had to sit and pay attention; and had people expecting me to learn everything they said, made me want to run away.
Any situation where people tell me they have expectations of me, or they need me to do something, or worse they’re proud of me because I’m so great at something and they know that I’ll keep up on it, I’m already planning how to get out of it. And the thought of letting someone down, makes me want to pack up my bag and leave, not leave the house, no no, leave the country. Bye.
If I would’ve packed up and left every single time I had the urge to, I wouldn’t have roots anywhere.
I gotta change this, but I'm so good at it tho..
