How can I stop my self-destruct timer

I’m an idiot. I’m at literally the dumbest person I know. I think I just singlehandedly destroyed my 7year marriage in a single night. I didn’t cheat on her. Not even close. I hurt and scared her. I have a habit of harming myself whenever things stop going my way. I made a suicide plan when I was 15. I had already 3 friends kill themselves at This point. But then I met her and decided that I could live long enough for her to discover what scum I really am, she’ll leave, then I can die just like I planned. But the problem now is how much I want her. But I really did it last night. I’ve hurt myself to the point I need staples or stitches, I’ve told her I’m going to kill myself again. And just overall blowed up. Worst mistake of my life so far. If I’m not able to turn things around, I probably will make an even dumber mistake

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MartinTheFirst · 22-25, M

Change dude. You can save it if you rebirth your inner self.

Knucklez · 31-35, M

@MartinTheFirst this has been my entire life. I have tried finding religion, but all I found were actual mindless flocks of zompeople. It was like a cult almost and no one had any common sense. I tried therapy until I turned 18 and got off my parents health insurance. Apparently it didn’t do any good. Coming at me with a simple “rebirth your inner self” sounds like the hippie, anti-vax version of the stuff all those Christians said. Talking about born again Christian man. Changed nothing

MartinTheFirst · 22-25, M

@Knucklez tried going to Jehovah's witnesses' kingdom halls? I'm a jw myself.

No I mean like decide to drop your act. You didn't have to tell your girlfriend those horrible things, that was a choice my dude.

Knucklez · 31-35, M

@MartinTheFirst yeah no shit there Sherlock. Ya figure that out yourself? I’m well aware of all the choices I’ve made and what they’ve done to me and her. I have a problem, and the problem is being able to make the right choice and say the right things. I’m nothing but a huge fuck up. Unwanted baby from birth. I wasn’t even supposed to be born. My whore mother should have swallowed me

MartinTheFirst · 22-25, M

@Knucklez well that sucks. Peace out.