It's like I want my dreams to come true but I also don't want them to come true, does that make sense?

I want control but once I get it, I feel this responsibility.

Struggle and pain is what I'm familiar with. Abundance and content feels too good to be true so I get paranoid.

Lately I've been very comfortable and content but I also feel an uneasiness about it.

I shouldn't be feeling this happy while not having a job and not making my own money. If I do feel too happy I'm teaching myself that not earning my own money and not having a job is ok.