Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

Husband fired, and so depressed for months?

My husband has been a successful attorney for 10 years. He was a total rock for me, helping me so much in my career as well. However, we just had a baby a year ago and about 3 months after having he baby he was fired. They said it’s because he was unreliable - He wasn’t losing cases or dropping the ball, but was taking a lot of PTO to take care of our sick baby. Again, was fired, he says that’s the reason and I believe him. He says that it was because he made a high salary and the we’re looking for cheaper attorneys fresh out of school they could pay half as much. All makes sense. What doesn’t though is that now, 8 months later, he won’t even put his resume together - he’s been obviously very depressed. Every time we try to put his resume together he starts to get emotional and cry. To add to this, he sleeps a lot, and I’ve noticed over the past few months specifically a glaze has set over his eyes.. he’s stopped engaging in conversation, we’ve stopped being intimate except for the occasional thing. He never initiate conversation anymore.. to top it off, he’s been drinking a lot, has stopped helping clean the house - but does focus a lot on taking care of our baby. Recently a month ago, he told me he had 7k left of savings and yesterday he told me that he messed up and only had $500... AND now, he’s started uber driving at really odd hours.. I believe he’s uber driving.. but there are a lot of things that don’t make sense. I’ve asked so many times for him to tell me what’s going on and it all comes back to him being depressed. I asked where the money went and all he will say is “I messed up” he’s in counseling now .. and when I ask him how his sessions went he keeps making fun of the psychologist, he thinks the psychologist is a quack.. he was truly my best friend at one point And I have vowed I’ll never leave him, I do still very much love him.. but he has turned into a totally different person, when I’ve asked what’s wrong he just keeps pointing back to being depressed about being fired.. there are no other variables to it in his mind. I’ve lost my job before too, known others that have and have never seen someone with so much schooling and experience, and smarts, who is totally capabale - go for SO long, and blow all their money, and have zero drive to get back into the workforce. Lately, the lack of engagement, dissassocistion and his lack of willingness to talk has me so concerned that I’m worried either something else is going on or he’s so so depressed that he can’t see straight. Anyone had a spouse, or experienced something similar? He won’t share his feelings, wont take steps to improve himself ..where do you go from here?
Mamapolo2016 · F Best Comment
I've been thinking and reading about this today and remembering...

I got fired once from a job I hated and had had for less than a month because my 12 yr old called to tell me there'd been a fire at our house and her dad was badly burned and I left in mid-workday.

I would have gotten fired soon enough anyway - or quit. That wasn't much of a job, either.

Weirdly, it still knocked me for a loop for a couple of days.

Employment is what we found our financial house of cards upon. When that rug gets yanked out from under us, we realize a lot more than we don't have a job. We realize that money and status and stability are a myth and it's a bandwagon we can fall off all too easily. It's an existential shock, especially to someone riding the crest of a wave who finds himself washed up on shore.

Having said that, I think, with others here, there is likely more going on in your situation, and it is definitely your situation, not just his.

Here is an article by a recruiter who headhunts attorneys for legal firms, [b][i]32 reasons why corporate attorneys lose their jobs[/i][/b], and [b]You take extended leave or too many leaves[/b] is #15 in a list of 32.

https://www.bcgsearch.com/article/900047926/Top-32-Reasons-Attorneys-Lose-Their-Jobs-Inside-of-Law-Firms/

It doesn't really matter now why he got fired except in the context of what to do now.

Since the two of you (and your child) are in marital free-fall, what can you do to get all of you back to earth safely?

It appears he has sole access to what funds are left, or surely you would've known about a discrepancy of $6500. By this point it doesn't matter all that much now. But make sure [b]your[/b] earnings are safe from whatever he is spending on. Less stability will not help.

Consider what you can do to help stabilize the financial tailspin and lessen the stress. Cheaper apartment or home? Sell a car and lease cheaper? Investigate bankruptcy? Don't wait till the wolf is at the door to explore your options. I have zero financial sense - talk to somebody who has some.

A seven+ month crash-and-burn is too long. It's edging on becoming the new normal.

What does his family have to say about this? They've known him longer than you have.

The articles I read were directed at the person who got fired, not their spouse, but they say:

Take a few days to grieve and pound the wall about how it's not fair. ([b]It never was fair, you were just lucky.)[/b]

Bolster your shattered ego by reading about wildly successful people who got fired before they got rich. Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, J.K. Rowlands (Harry Potter) are only a few. [b]It's only total defeat if you roll belly up and surrender.[/b]

Analyze why you got fired. Talk to ex-colleagues and ask for straight up honest assessment of your work and work ethic. Don't argue or defend yourself. Just listen. [b]How those in your work environment see you is more important just now than how you see you.[/b]

The article by the attorney recruiter says [b][i]most[/i][/b] corporate attorneys get fired at some point in their career. Corporations deliberately maintain a slippery slope to keep the rest of the oxen toeing the line.

I wish you luck.
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
Love this ! Thanks so much for you’re advice. I think I am going to start seeing a counselor as well. Yeah it’s definitely a tailspin and his family doesn’t really seem to care a lot. So I’m taking the burden.. good news is though he’s finally just started counseling with a different counselor and is taking a small dose of antidepressant. Hoping it will help. Thanks again so so much for your reply it gave me so much hope and was just what I needed @Mamapolo2016
I am very glad you found it helpful. p@Brassm0nk3y

Since this is how amateur advice goes, I have a different take and mine is no more 'knowing' than anybody else's.

My first suggestion would be that YOU find a counselor. Not because you're out to lunch but so you can keep your grip. New baby, best friend and husband emotionally unavailable, maybe money problems in the offing...you're carrying a load, honey.

The sudden unexplained difference in funds is alarming too. Maybe not the obvious, maybe not drugs. Maybe magical thinking - I can get back up by gambling.

It's possible a good counselor could help you develop a plan to try to bring him back.

While he's still on the skids, you need to take care of youself and your little one, and to do that you have to be healthy. Don't underestimate the strain you're under, because it takes its toll.
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@Mamapolo2016 thanks so much for for this, taking your advice and finding a good counselor for myself.
Heartlander · 80-89, M
Ohhhh .... it's like falling off a cliff and there's nothing to grab hold of :(

I've been through this .... twice.

He was probably overpaid and it's unlikely that he will find another situation that will likewise overpay him. Even more unlikely now that he's wounded. Now out of money it's like a steamroller and you can't get out of its way. The $500 Vs $7K sounds like an attempt to ignore how close that steamroller actually is. Or maybe there's more to this?

The good news is that millions and millions of people have been through this and recovered. Including me :) .... and, unfortunately, a few haven't recovered :(

It sounds like there may be some hidden facts. Drugs? Alcohol? Gambling? Hidden debt? Other reasons for the depression? There may be multiple things going on besides the job loss and isolating the components help with the clarity ... and the eventual solutions.
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
Alcohol definitely is a factor. Thank you so much for you reply really made me feel a lot better. He’s seeing a counselor and doing a little better with the help of antidepressants too. @Heartlander
he may very well be depressed. i got layed off and it affected me for years. I lucked up and found a good job...or it found me.

a guy losing a job is a big thing - you hear about guys coming back with a gun and killing people for being fired. it attacks our masculinity like very few things can.

but he's an attorney - even if he works for a crappy firm he can make a living (I would think).

may be time for an intervention
tell him he's had enough time for his pity party
he has to get help from his shrink or find another one
time to put on his big boy pants and step up to the challenge of being an adult
you know he can do it - you have faith in him

but if he chooses not to step up to the plate, you have to consider what's best for you and your child.

and tell him NOT to fuck up and make it necessary to make that choice.

time for a serious wakeup call
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@approachingmyexpirationdate thanks for this, so reality based and so true! Happy to report he’s doing a little better with the help of a new counselor and psychiatrist (small dose of antidepressants) thanks for outline the reality here. Really helped me!
@Brassm0nk3y I'm glad that things are doing better for you - I hope they only get better for you both.

anti-depressants are as necessary for me as insulin for a diabetic.

fingers crossed for you both!
This is a horrible place for a man to be! And truly a sad situation for both you.

This is PPND (paternal postnatal depression) man suffer from it Too!
The biggest culprit when it comes to depression among new dad's is financial problems or stress, a sick, colicky, or premature baby! Is his testosterone levels dropped? If so; Then estrogen, prolactin, and cortisol go up. Gain weight? Many men would rather stifle their feelings than talk about them! which can make the situation at home much more heated and fraught. It's normal for dads to need help as they enter fatherhood. So, Fret not! this normal. Unless he shows a sign of fooling around cheating on you!
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@Hayman he’s definitely gained weight. Severe depression for sure.. he’s not cheating. I’m happy to report he’s doing a little better with the help of a new counselor and psychiatrist (small dose of antidepressants) thanks for giving me such hope !
@Brassm0nk3y That seems promisin'! I wish you the best, And the silent treatment is toxic! He might need you now more than ever.
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@Hayman aw so sweet! Thank you so much. Great reminder
TexChik · F
Too many odd things have occurred. Find his old secretary and ask her . An attorney right out of school is lucky to find the building, and are not trusted with case work ... they still have lots to learn . A complete break down of all the things he’s built, that quickly , indicates to me something else is going on . Most likely is drug addiction ( coccain) or mental illness . Either way you need to have a plan to take care of yourself and your baby ...
SW-User
@TexChik if he's sleeping all the time he isn't doing cocaine
Echoing · 61-69, F
Blessings to you! I am sorry your husband and you are going thru this. At the beginning of this story, you said he was your rock. Now it's time for you to be his!! He is lost at the moment. He had a blow, a big one. One that has depressed him beyond his own understanding. Depression is a mean critter! It can eat you up alive! Take care, I wish you both happiness and peace. ... and for your husband to find his way once again!
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@Echoing love this, thank you so much for reminding me to be strong. It helped! Needed the enocuragment. Thank you so much!
Hate to be heartless - but you're not going to find any sympathy from me. A high paying salary and only 7k left doesn't add up.. If he is a lawyer he will find another job with good pay. So let him get over his depression - personally if it was me - I would not wasted money on these therapists its mostly BS and they just take your money.
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
@MarmeeMarch Definitely, I also have a hard time having sympathy. At the same time though I’ve come to learn that it isn’t as lucrative as one might think, he used to make 90k, but 30% went to taxes, and he was paying 2000k a month in student loans. At the end of the day I made more money than him in my entry-ish level job. He thinks of himself no higher than a day laborer he likes to say , willing to do manual labor etc .. it’s how he was raised - super poor, blue collar- which has all made me love him more.. but none the less that’s the situation. Thanks again for all of your advice in really needed it
SW-User
@MarmeeMarch Ok.. I just don’t think having a good profession like a lawyer has anything to do with having depression.. and I personally think therapy is life changing but I guess that’s just where we differ
@SW-User That's fine - some ppl feel that they need it - some don't. but my main point is that these sessions can really cost depending on how much they want to treat you at any given time span -(if you know what I mean). I have known people that are on therapy for over 10 years at about 300 per week every week and all it does is help them sort things out - a loving companion might be able to do the same. Don't get me wrong if there is a true physiological / medical condition then yes that needs to be addressed by an MD - Psychiatry. My issue is with these people without a medical degree that sit and listen to your problems nodding and agreeing with you while looking at their watch.
I believe he needs prayer. Find a christian counsellor and find christians to give you meaningful advice. Pray for ur husband and pray with fasting. Eight hours a day, no food and water. A holy petition to heaven.
@lightshinesthroughdarkness I agree but why fasting ? that does nothing.
Starbursteffect · 51-55, F
That missing money is a red flag. I smell something fishy. Your gut is telling you it doesn't all add up for a reason.
Just take care of you & the baby. He's checked out.
SW-User
Someone close to me went through a similar thing and it’s so hard to help them when they won’t help themselves.. the only thing I tried to do was really try force them to take therapy seriously and put things into perspective. They eventually got out of it, I hope he does too 💗

 
Post Comment