I love the idea that I could be a degenerate drunk...

But I flirt with it, not following through to the logical conclusion. I worry that my enthusiasm might be corrupting others.

They like having me around, and I like bantering with them. But I'm more educated than they are, and I worry that they think that an educated guy like me could be a degenerate drunk then they can drink more.

I want to be who I am (a degenerate drunk) and them to be who they want to be. But I don't want to give them an alibi to be somebody unhealthy.