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Confronted mom about being too busy for granddaughter and it ya it didn’t go well

I told my parents they are behind the 8 ball on spending time with their 7 months old granddaughter. I let them know that my husbands parents (and his sister) have started to offer a lot of help and it disappoints me that they haven’t offered once to help..

Truth is, they always expect us to go over there (I wrote about this last week), and on top of that they are constantly on vacation, from Hawaii one month to India to Australia, Europe the next.)

We are desperate for some help. I work 60 hours a week, my husband just lost his job so I’m supporting us right now.. my husband and I aren’t getting any time together - we are stressed to the max..so yes, I said to them that we need them to offer some help and come over.. my mom said that wasn’t going to happen.
She wants us to drive an hour each way to them.. lug a cranky baby and all her stuff.on a work night spend hours there and get back super late (they don’t work).

So I said, in this conversation, that they need to start coming to our house at least sometimes..They were SO offended. I did say a couple of other jabs like they remind me of my grandparents (who were never there, only when it was convenient for them), and that all their friends visit their children’s/grand kids houses/ Would do anything for them..
It was ALOT for them to take in apparently, because they came back at me with you are mean, selfish and rude.. how could you be so horrible to us, you bully, your making poor decisions.. just on and on about how awful I was, I created the situation with my husband not having a job (?)

.. am I seeing this all wrong ? Or am I right to want them to offer to come to our house to help with the baby every now and then? And also to offer to spend more time with Logan, spend the night here etc.. If I could chose I would much rather my parents spend more time with my kids than his parents..they (in laws) are totally winning at this grandparent thing, and it hits me a little bit knowing that. My mom was even like “why on earth do you even need help?” You have one baby and your husband isn’t working.. like clearly not getting it. Help. :-l
Sweet517 · 51-55, F Best Comment
You aren’t being selfish. Typically, grandparents go to new parents However, YOUR grandparents didn’t do that so that’s the expectations your mom has.
I totally get that you would not want to be packingva baby into a car and driving an hour on a work night.
I think your best course of action is to stop going to your parents. If they want to see you and the bahy, they will have to make an effort or else it will just be at family events.

I was in the same spot many years ago. My mom went out and bought a puppy instead of being willing to help me with my kids. Hurt my feelings a lot.
A couple of thoughts now that I'm on this side..
No matter what I said they never changed. In time I pitied them, because they were the ones missing out on the joy of being with their grandkids.
They are now reaping what they had sown. My children(who are now adults) prefer my hubby's parents, because they are who they know, and they have no one to blame but themselves.
Myzery · 41-45, F
If your grandparents didn't really come around, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment that your parents will. Typically that kind of thing follows a pattern.
On the other hand, they have zero obligation to help you with your child. It's your child. Is it sad if they have no interest in seeing her? Sure. But they should never have to watch her. Especially if they don't want to.
iamnikki · 31-35, F
@Myzery This is what I was trying to say, not sure if I said it well. ' zero obligation' was my point as well.
* after re-reading my own comment, this is what i said. silly me lol
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
This makes perfect sense. Yes thank you. So true. I wished they want to :-/@Myzery
iamnikki · 31-35, F
I didn't know grandparents were seemingly required to help with day to day care of grandchildren. Seems to me like your parents are doing what they should be doing at this point in their life. Traveling, and having fun, not being bothered with babies and children.

Sure, they [i]could[/i] help though, but not obligated.
Just my opinion though😕
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
I can see your point.. but to clarify.. even if it was once every couple of months.. they just ALWAYs expect us to go there Thanks for offering your point of view @iamnikki
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
Just out of curiosity, why does this matter now? Your husband is not working, he has nothing better to do than be a parent. I don’t think it’s necessary for them to offer help at this time. We all have struggled and sacrificed at some point or another. It’s normal and we survived.
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
Good luck with everything.one other suggestion as far as the distance, is it possible for you to move closer? I know I moved 45 minutes away. Although not an epic drive it’s a pain. My daughter is only 10 minutes away. @Brassm0nk3y
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
I just wish they wanted to be there like my in laws. It’s a shame they don’t .. and are so bothered that I would ask for help@Keepitsimple
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
@Brassm0nk3y sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it. Maybe use reverse psychology and have coffee with your mom and tell her you want your kids to be close to them and ask for them. I don’t know the answer. I do know that when my daughter told me not to go back to work so when they have kids I can babysit I almost choked. I don’t want that fulltime commitment. I know it’s a different scenario with your situation. Hang in there. It will change.
HannibalAteMeOut · 22-25, F
My grandma says "my children's children are twice my children" and I can totally get your frustration, because parents are expected to act with unconditional love at all times. I'd ask if they're too old and therefore too tired for babies, but then again you said they travel a lot and it doesn't make much sense. I would expect much more understanding from their side, you're not asking for anything absurd after all. Maybe they think your husband is irresponsible and that by helping your family, they'd only help him? I don't know...
1GHOST · M
Just because YOU made a kid puts NO expectations or burdens on ANYONE else .
You enjoyed the sex with out them , so enjoy the kid you made .
And if your husband is not working at all then its all the more reason that the work fall to you two.

Why do people think that if THEY have a child WE need to deal with it ??

Im totally with Nedkelly on this ......

Its your mess you clean it up .
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
I just want them to want to be there every now and then even f it’s every couple of months .. @1GHOST
1GHOST · M
@Brassm0nk3y I understand ... but on one hand you basically said you expected them to help, now your saying " I just want them to want to be there every now and then ".

You cant have both .

Like i said they had their kids and raised them now the rest is their own lives .
If they dont feel like watching someone elses kids so be it .
There is NO legal or really moral obligation to them .

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe they really had to push them selves to raise there kids and were really not cut out for that ...
So now there is no way they are going back into that ?

Not everyone wants kids , and not everyone that has kids should .

Sorry but they did the kid thing and are over it .
SW-User
You cannot demand things of people,it is strange to me as a grandparent they would not run to see a grandchild,but your husband could step up to the plate?
I would be petrubed if it was demanded of me.
Is there some reason he cannot watch the child or at least be the one to take her to your parents?
Sweet517 · 51-55, F
@SW-User that’s a great compromise. At least til he finds a job
nedkelly · 61-69, M
Sounds like you are a selfish person plain and simple.
nedkelly · 61-69, M
@Sweet517 I am pleased you have analysed this completely, I wonder what her mother has to say about this and her point of view
Sweet517 · 51-55, F
@nedkelly why the invective? She came here for support. Anyone who works 60 hours a week, supports a man and a baby is hardly selfish in my book. I don’t know her mother’s reasons. All I know is that when I am blessed with grandchildren, I’ll be as available as I can so my kids can have some quality time and I can snuggle my grad babies. My mom was a frequent visitor when my kids were small. My in laws as well. It just seems foreign to me to pack the kids up. That’s just my take on it
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
Thanks for this. @Sweet517
Rob04 · 18-21, M
Sod your parents, man. I think you guys are beta off without there help. How did your husband lose his job? Did he get fired or just left?
Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F
You might be right. Thank you for saying that. He got fired after 10 years for attendance issues. We just had a baby 7 months ago. We’ve been sick back to back because of daycare.. shocking that it happened. We think they were looking for a salary dump he was one of the highest paid there @Rob04
Sweet517 · 51-55, F
Thank you for BA!!’ And good luck to you and your family!!

 
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