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Do I move or Stay?

Poll - Total Votes: 23

Colorado

Louisiana

You can only vote on one answer.

[c=#4C0073] OK, guys I need help. I don't know what to do, and it's driving me crazy! My fiance' and I have been fighting for about 3 months over where we are going to live. He has a really good job in Colorado and a 2 bedroom apartment there. Our children and I have a 3 bedroom house in Louisiana (family owned). Plus, I have a really good career and a lot of connections in Louisiana. My career is transferable, but I haven't been able to find a good job there. I have a lot of education and certifications in the fields of Education, Behavioral Health, and Paralegal Studies. But, I only have work experience in the field of Behavioral Health and volunteer experience in the field of Education. I was just offered a position in the school system here that would be a big step towards allowing me the freedom to further my education, better pay, and allow me more time with our children. The problem is he doesn't want to move back here because, his career really isn't transferable and my family is a bit overbearing. Our relationship itself has been pretty chaotic in the past, but I can't deny that he has really changed and is undeniably committed. Even when we are at odds, we always end up right back in-sync. After 8 years I don't see us anywhere but together. I love him more than life itself, but I don't want to regret this either. [/c]

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Shaman · 26-30

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpxuksFSH30]

Pherick · 41-45, M

This is tough, someone is going to feel regret and hold the move against the other person. I guess without any more info, I would say he should move. The kids and a large family support system are there.

Sometimes in life we have to make decisions not based on our wants, but on the best for our kids.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Pherick: [c=#4C0073]Thank You for your input. Yes, the best thing for our children is having their family all together.[/c]

JaggedLittlePill · 46-50, F

@Pherick: I agree with this.

Salix75 · 46-50, F

You have a house, a job, your children and extended family and a lot of connections, and an emerging opportunity to further your career and get better pay and more family time. He has a job and an apartment. And to boot, you say your relationship has been chaotic in the past. Just based on those facts alone, you'd be giving up a lot, for not much in return.

I say stay where you are. Invest in yourself (i.e. career and future) because you are the only individual you can guarantee you'll be with in 20, 30, 40 years time. Maybe the relationship with him will last - maybe not.

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VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Salix75: [c=#4C0073]Yeah thing is, I can't lose him. I've fought hell for him and he's come back from hell for me. I don't want to do this without him. Then I keep thinking, why can't/won't he just bring his butt back here? He's been flying back n forth here to be with us and I'm lost as hell, but I gotta do something. [/c]

Salix75 · 46-50, F

@VioletRayne: I hear you. What if you remove yourself from the equation - and base the bulk of the decision on what is best for the children?

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Salix75: [c=#4C0073]Without doubt the best thing for the children is to be with him. He is a phenomenal father![/c]

questionWeaver

None of the outcomes are bad.

You do have too many decision factors ... it will be impossible to reach agreement.

[b][u]The major factors ...[/u][/b]

Kids benefit from stability

Kids benefit from parents nearby

Kids benefit from happy parents

Careers are a distraction

Colorado opens lots of paths

Colorado has pitfalls

Housing is solvable in both locations

[b]BUT[/b] ... this decision has nothing to do with picking a good or right path. ... to think about it that way, will make you crazy.

The fiance' wants a fresh start in Colorado ... that is risky ... he knows that ... that is complicated ... he knows that ...it will be both tough and good on the kids ... you both know that.

He wants to be with you ... you know that.

Take it slow ... do not rush

Common sense favors Louisiana

But ... hear him out ... paint a picture together ... it may be Dallas!

Be firm on all your values, except career ... ask him to give up something just as important ... then see where it takes you.

RealMustangGuy · 61-69, MVIP

This is a really tough question you have given us. I've read the replies other people have given you and they've all been good.

It sounds like you might be able to find a job in your field there even though there isn't one available now. You have given us a summary, and of course there is much more to this than just your summary. But based on your summary and what you have presented, my vote would be for Colorado.

Do work towards buying a house there as soon as you can. Renting is not a good financial choice unless it's truly short term temporary.

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VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@RealMustangGuy: 😩[c=#4C0073]I don't know. I hate this.[/c]

RealMustangGuy · 61-69, MVIP

@VioletRayne: Men are supposed to make their women happy, so I hope your man puts some effort into making this easy for you.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@RealMustangGuy: [c=#4C0073]Hell no that bastard is going to torture me until I give in or make him give in😅[/c]

firefall · 61-69, M

His career isn't transferable but yours is; he needs to keep plenty of distance from your family in Louisiana. I think that more or less indicates you need to live in Colorado. Homes are sellable, after all.

Plus, the long term outlook for Louisiana is pretty crappy, it's going to mostly wind up underwater in the next 40 years or so. Beachfront property in Denver sounds good at that point :)

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@firefall: [c=#4C0073]Lol thanks for the input.[/c]

firefall · 61-69, M

@VioletRayne: Good luck with it. It's a tough call, god knows.

Gemineye · 56-60, M

Make the move! Your kids need a father, you need him, he has a good career, all positive there. Him moving back.......overbearing in-laws, no longer a great career (men are defined by their career, not their relationships). You make him come to you, he will end up resenting you because he gave up his identity.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Gemineye: [c=#4C0073]Thank You for your input.[/c]

katielass · F

Only you can choose between this new opportunity or your man. But whatever you do, let it be YOUR decision so there won't be any blame later on. Precaution.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@katielass: [c=#4C0073]Yeah, I can't decide. I don't want to be without him, but I want to have the security and further my career.[/c]

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

Well, logistically it's a nightmare if you both intend to continue in your current careers.
Since neither of you wants to go to the other !

So. You either have to get together and go someplace new. Thus starting your new lives together !
or, one of you is gonna have to bite the bullet and go to the other, and risk losing out on where you are now......

timing, as they say. Is everything in life !

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Picklebobble2: [c=#4C0073]The conundrum continues. Thanks for your input.[/c]

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

@VioletRayne: Not that my two cents is worth taking into consideration, but. If you have youngsters and they're in school; and happy in their environment. Not sure i'd want to upset all that.
Grown ups can change and adapt, youngsters often find it difficult. Especially if it means they'll be away from all they know.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Picklebobble2: [c=#4C0073]Yeah, That's what I've been thinking too.[/c]

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

I have been where you are with my wife and because I love her and my job was transferable I moved 10 hrs away from my family. I miss them but she is my family!! My opinion is that if you can live on his pay until you find something then move. If not you move when you find a job where he is. Just my 2 cents.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@PTCdresser57: [c=#4C0073]Thanks for your input. Oh my family is pretty well to do, and tight nit. If I move, they will mostly likely be visiting every holiday and summer vacation anyway.[/c]

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

VioletRayne that would be nice of them. I am sure they just want you to be happy and having 8 yrs and children with him kind of makes it a no brainer. A house is just a house...you...your man and the children make it a home.

DragonFruit · 61-69, M

1) His career isn’t transferable, but yours is….even though you haven’t been able to find a good job in Colorado doesn’t mean that you can’t.
2) Your family is overbearing, and will be easier to deal with at a distance.

Based on the information you gave here, if you are going to be together you should probably move to Colorado.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Dragon56: [c=#4C0073]Thanks for you input. Yeah, I'm thinking that too.[/c]

Sweet517 · 51-55, F

It sounds like a no brainer on the surface. His job skills are non transferable-- yours are. Go to His work and find work for yourself out there. It also sounds like you need some distance from your family to help make your marital connection the primary family bond.

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Sweet517: [c=#4C0073]This is true. Thanks for your input.[/c]

PhoenixPhail · M

This is quite a predicament. Are you any closer to resolving it?

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PhoenixPhail · M

@VioletRayne: Maybe your level or patience was strengthened through practice.

Orca4950 · 70-79, M

@VioletRayne: good for you guys any rules or are both of you keeping each other honest?

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Orca4950: [c=#4C0073]only one rule. You fuck over me or our kids and yuo get stabbed in the D. [/c]

SW-User

tough decision...
I let the love of my life go to New Mexico and i didn't follow..

one of the biggest regrets of my life...

i hope you make the right choice..

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@onestarrynight: [c=#4C0073]Thank You, thats what I'm scared of most. Losing him because I didn't want to lose the progress in my career.[/c]

Ambroseguy80 · 51-55, M

Yes. I think if anyone should move, it should be the lone individual (him)

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Ambroseguy80: [c=#4C0073]That's cause you're my friend and you know me. If you didn't know me though. What would you think?[/c]

Ambroseguy80 · 51-55, M

@VioletRayne: the same way.

Orca4950 · 70-79, M

I didn't read all the responses,

Is there a neutral place where both of you could get good jobs and be happier then you are.

Where is his family and if in Col, do they accept you?

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Orca4950: [c=#4C0073]His family is all over. But yes, he does have family in Colorado. That's where he grew up.

The other option would be Texas. He says he can transfer to his jobs facility in Texas in a few years. [/c]

Orca4950 · 70-79, M

@VioletRayne: if you could live anywhere, where? why couldn't both work there?

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Orca4950: [c=#4C0073]Its his job mostly. I like my job here and my family is here, but he can't transfer his job here. I have a good job here, but I haven't been able to find on e there yet.[/c]

Lovelylips

Honestly, I would choose the house over apartment, a career can always be started over, which you have been offered a new position. How long has he been at his job?

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Lovelylips: [c=#4C0073]3yrs[/c]

Lovelylips

@VioletRayne: I would stay where i am tbh, don't move. You have more stability where you are, your kids too. You have a lot going for you, and all that you mentioned are very important and will also help to help a better life not only for yourself but for your family which he is part. He has a job, and apartment, I'm sure he can find a job anywhere. Don't move

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@Lovelylips: [c=#4C0073]Thank You for your input.[/c]

okaybut · 56-60, M

Stay apart...and then see where it goes until you know the right choice. :)

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okaybut · 56-60, M

@VioletRayne: Then that is the choice. :)

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@okaybut: [c=#4C0073]yeah it's not that easy[/c]

okaybut · 56-60, M

@VioletRayne: Of course? But what other option do you have that you will look back 5 or 10 years from now without the most regret?

SW-User

[c=#7700B2]What a dilemma! Have you reached a decision since posting about this?[/c]

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@CinnamonWorlds: [c=#4C0073]yeah, we decided wherever we both get a job is where we'll live[/c]

SW-User

[c=#7700B2]@VioletRayne: Good luck with the job searches![/c]

VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@CinnamonWorlds: thanks

SW-User

You have to do what's best for the kids. If your job is transferable then move there.

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VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@RisingPhoenix: [c=#4C0073] yeah, we decided wherever we both get a job is where we'll live [/c]

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VioletRayne · 31-35, F

@RisingPhoenix: [c=#4C0073]Right now I have a good job here and he has a good job there. We're just waiting to see who gets hired where. We've both put in applications at each other's locations.[/c]

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