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SW-User
Maybe that's just your Armour to protect yourself from letting him get too close to you again.
SW-User
You could be right here
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
Forgiven or not, maybe you need some kind of defense to keep you from getting friendly with him and then drifting back into a continuance of the misery you've suffered. Maybe you could ease up on the meanness but a little coldness might be a good protective ploy. A year is not really that long.
SW-User
We have friends in common. Actually we were friends before dating each other. I don't want him to affect me.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@MissingNotes: Maybe you'll be friends again someday but obviously not now. Sometimes it takes a few years. You can avoid him if you really want to. Make a point of it. If you want to go to a large social gathering, get a date to go with you and pay attention to him. You can even hire a guy from a dating or escort service if you have to. If It's a smaller gathering, just don't attend if you know he'll be there. You can also avoid him by arriving very early and then pleading another appointment and leaving when he arrives. Or having a friend call you to let you know when he leaves.

I know you'd like to be indifferent to him but you're not. So until you really, genuinely feel and can act that way, just don't see him. If you run into him unexpectedly, just be polite, only polite, and then leave as soon as you can.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@MissingNotes: I'd guess he doesn't mind because your attitude toward him shows him you still care. He assumes you'll run out of steam one day and then he can court you again and win you back. As long as you treat him like this, he will know you secretly have feelings for him. If you can't manage to show quiet, polite, but non- affectionate behavior around him and you really, really don't ever want him back, then avoid him.
It's over, or is it? You say you forgave him, but you find yourself being unkind to him. It's been over a year; don't you think you should time forgetting rather than keep dwelling on bad feelings?
Forgetting is possible, but only if you let go. One could say that every experience in life (good and bad) are unforgettable but that is not entirely true. It's been one year, you clearly haven't moved on, you say forgetting is not possible ... but it IS an option. Do you think you will forever bring up his memory for 'X' number of years?

But don't forget what you said; 'Why am I still mean to my ex? Even after I've already forgiven him?'

Clearly he isn't forgiven and you are harbouring thoughts. But then again, you don't declare that he did something catastrophic.
SW-User
There's a difference between forgetting and forgiving isn't it?
@MissingNotes: [quote]There's a difference between forgetting and forgiving isn't it?[/quote]

I can't say I agree in FULL. If a part of forgiving excludes forgetting, then is it right to call it forgiving? I get it, I get what you are saying. 'Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another' but surely forgetting has to be the ultimate aim. If I was to forgive someone with no real ambition of forgetting what that person did, then I can't see how I can say I have forgiven.

I get what you are saying, I truly do. We can all carry on through our lives digging up old, bad memories and telling ourselves we can never forget and put it down to our memories. But surely, isn't life a whole experience which is blended with good and bad memories for us all to live with? Yet that doesn't mean to say that we spend half our lives getting on with things and the other half remembering (re-visiting) bad issues.

There are obvious exceptions; granted, and I don't even know what the guy did to hurt you. Only you know if it's a bad enough experience to say that you truly cannot forget the nature of what he did.
Elegy · 46-50
Personal rejection cuts deep with you and isn't easily or quickly forgotten. In his presence your hurt and resentment is brought to the surface and is made almost fresh again.

I also agree with others saying it is defensive.
Coppercoil · M
Sometimes we do and say things that aren't true. Doesn't sound like you have truly forgiven him. Some times there is no way to move on. Sometimes we have to let go completely. Maybe you just can't have him on your life.
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SW-User
just because you've forgiven him doesn't mean that you have to like him..
forgiveness is about letting go..
it's for your benefit and doesn't mean that you have to accept him into your life.
Pretzel · 61-69, M
you simply aren't over the hurt yet. you are mentally - just not emotionally
SW-User
Makes sense
Pretzel · 61-69, M
and by the way - we all think you're way too good for him!
SW-User
haha, you don't know us, but thanks
SW-User
Hmm, you still have a long road to make. Even then you won't probably emotionally detach. But it sounds like you broke up because he cheated on you, or something.
Primnproper · 56-60, F
You sound like your still disappointed and angry at him that it didn't work out even though you know the split was for the best..
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He probably deserves it. That's why.
NigelDoes · 56-60, M
Sounds like you haven't completely forgiven him.
NigelDoes · 56-60, M
What's yours?
SW-User
Question vs question?
NigelDoes · 56-60, M
I might have to get back to you on that one. It's a good question.
wudifu · 46-50, M
i am still mean to the lady i had an affair with cause she hurt me .......good for you ......
popmol · 22-25, M
cause you can't show weakness!!!
SW-User
Kindness is weakness?
MartinTheFirst · 22-25, M
🤔 If you don't know why.. then we surely don't know why
SW-User
Some people come up with really good answers that help me understand myself

 
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