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Is he a narcissist or suffer from Aspergers?

I am talking to a guy who is one of the only guys I haven’t been able to figure out. He is so confusing. When we first met, he was head over heels for me, to the point where it was almost too much. He’d write me essays everyday about his feelings for me etc. He was super sweet and sent me flowers. On one of our dates he mentioned to me that his father made him go to the shrink a couple times because he thought he had Aspergers. He never confirmed if he did or not and I didn’t want to ask or make a big deal of it. He says he doesn’t believe in labels. He seems normal to me, but is a little odd in some ways but none that would make me for sure know he was on the spectrum. However, he does seem to lack empathy and even admits to it. However, with me he shows so much feelings (when he’s in the mood). He is very cold to the world and doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. The world seems to revolve around him in his mind, where he is the only thing that matters. He suffers anxiety and ADD, and I think depression as well. Hes got a drinking problem now that he blames on being deployed in Cuba because he can’t stand the place. He’s also very impulsive and will obsess over something for a while and then drop it and lose interest. Anyways, after 2 months of him being over the top into me, he started being the opposite towards me, more cold and matter of fact. A complete 180. He wasn’t mean or didn’t stop talking to me, it just was more dry than before and he blames it on the stress. Every now and then he will get in random moods again where he’s super into me like at the beginning but they only last a couple of days then he’s back to being distant and cold. It’s so confusing how someone can say they feel a way about u and act that way towards u and then the next day act like they never meant any of that. Again, he blames the stress and his irritation with the place he’s staying over seas, he says he doesn’t mean to take it out on me. I can’t seem to tell if he really does have Aspergers or if it’s just narcissism. He also, has a lot of hate for other people and doesn’t like to socialize or being in loud crowded places. He’s very blunt and rude to others and doesnt care. He has a few friends but not many and doesn’t like to socialize much. What do you guys think?

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iamBen · M

I think you could do better. He's not that interested.

LookingForIt987 · 51-55, M

I'm not an expert in either, but it doesn't sound to me like Asperger's. If it was, he wouldn't be able to show emotion / empathy toward you; it would be consistent - he would treat you the same as he treats others. So, my uneducated guess is that he's not dealing with Asperger's.

I'm not going to rule out narcissist. I think you have a pretty good guess there, to be honest. The behavior you describe fits the general pattern pretty well. In the long-term, everything is all about the narcissist; that means that in the short term, he's capable of doing things to "woo" you and bring you in. Over time, those endearing things will mostly end - they'll "flash" up once in a while, simply to keep you hooked. But other than those flashes, it becomes all about him. A narcissist can do no wrong in their own eyes - everything is always somebody else's fault.

If he's not a narcissist, he's definitely an abuser from what you describe. So your best course of action, quite honestly, is run - not walk - away now. When you do, expect drama. Because either way, he needs you to be there - either for him to abuse, or to put down so he feels better (which is it's own form of abuse, honestly). Ride out the drama, and eventually he'll move on to another person.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Yeah that’s why I couldn’t say he had Aspergers because he’s actuslly very good at expressing emotion when he wants to. He hasn’t put me down or being mean or unkind to me yet. But I can definitely see what you’re saying. @LookingForIt987

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

He sounds like my fiance, except my fiance hasn't started ignoring me or being cold to me. 😳

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Is your fiancé narcissistic or on the spectrum. He doesn’t ignore me either. He keeps talking to me it just goes from being over the top sweet to more like a friend. With NO feelings being shown whatsoever @DearAmbellina2113

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@Moraguea I believe mine is on the spectrum. He hasn't been diagnosed but I've been around enough people who are on the spectrum to make a decent assumption.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Hm yeah I can’t tell, the only people in the spectrum ive met are obviously on it and not so mild.@DearAmbellina2113

firefall · 61-69, M

That doesn't sound like narcissism, really, with those spasms of obsession/affection.

Aspergers ... well, there's a reason it's called a spectrum, there are a lot of different possible indicators, and I'd say he's shown quite a few of them. OTOH, it's just a label, as he says, whatever you call it, you need to work out if you can accept and live with it

Moraguea · 26-30, F

The part that makes me believe he’s narcissistic is that he really thinks the world revolves around him. He literally was complaining about his roommate and his words exactly were it’s my world and he’s just living in it. Everything is just all about him and he has no regards for others or their feelings. @firefall

firefall · 61-69, M

@Moraguea If he's not being ironic, I'd find that pretty scary ... unless he is primary leaseholder & the roommate isn't on the lease.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

I think he was serious. And no his roommate his just his bunk mate in the military @firefall

anythingoes477 · M

I get really ugly girls being desperate enough to hang onto a train wreck because it beat having no one...........but not you. Why struggle with trying to figure out a loser...........hang onto the hope it will get better with him? From your looks...your description of your career and your success in life.......MOVE ON. There's about 10 million normal guys out there that would think it was Christmas everyday if they had you.

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anythingoes477 · M

@Graylight If Marilyn Monroe acted like a doormat...she's be "ugly". I think maybe you're a bit to anxious to get offended...about something.

anythingoes477 · M

@JasonFisher [image]

FORMERLYbatovn · 56-60, M

Uhm.....friend, I'm not exactly sure why you posted that on here, but if what you're saying is real... I think it's time to sever ties. If I was to venture a guess, I'd say he has all of the makings of someone who is possessive and narccistic, but it has the feel of being potentially very dangerous. If you were my child, I would advise to send him packing as quickly as possible and make SURE you are not alone(even if someone's in the next room, or out side the house) when you tell him. If you truly wanna know WHY I'm saying this message me....if not. Either way I wish you well...be careful!!-

Moraguea · 26-30, F

It does interest me as to why. Message me @FORMERLYbatovn

PrincessOfSweetness · F

[c=#BF0080] Sweetheart, youve a good heart for giving him a chance. Not many women would. Commendable! BUT you must put YOU first <3[/c]

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Yes thank you! @PrincessOfSweetness

PrincessOfSweetness · F

@Moraguea [c=#BF0080] I DO beelive the answer is within YOU, hence you writing this. I feel there is nothing I can say and I trust in you to make the right choices 😘🌹[/c]

eMortal · M

That's the whole psychology of a mass shooter and a domestic abuser.
Tell him to seek and commit to therapy or spiritual counseling. He got anger issues.
He's also a narcissistic, will blame the world if things don't go his way.
Stay away from that dude. Be careful when you inform him it's over. If you don't want to break up now, then give him some(or a lot) place.
But remember, mood-swing, anger and alcohol are a recipe for physical violence.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Thank you, yes he has bi polar tendencies. I’ve told him to go to counseling for his anxiety etc and he says none of that works etc he just wants the meds etc. He’s very stubborn and I agree with u. That is how I see it as well. We aren’t actually arelationship. He’s overseas right now so I’m safe to cut ties if needed. @eMortal

SW-User

He sounds narcissistic to me and if that's the case I would get as far away from him as possible.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Yes that seems to be the best option@SW-User

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

I dated somebody with ADD and she took ritalin for it. The ritalin made her really emotionless and cold with me. I think there was other stuff going on with her but it sounds quite similar to the experience I had with her.

I think it really might be the ADD, if the person is a little selfish anyway I think it can make it worse but that sounds too similar.
Narcissism would be gaslighting and controlling you.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Hes not taking any meds right now except for high blood pressure @Ryannnnnn

SW-User

Sounds like a sociopath..
His excited interest in you didn't elicit the response he was looking for and he finally got bored with you..
He's just playing with you now..
He doesn't act cold, he [i]is[/i] cold..
Cold, calculating and entirely uncaring and indifferent to your feelings or anyone else's..

I think that i would slowly disengage myself from him..
Get out of his life before he takes a more active interest in toying with your emotions.

MikeSp · 56-60, M

Whatever his problems are, they are serious and you are not trained to help him. If you choose to use your limited time to be with him, he will seriously disrupt your life of worse. You need to let him go and wish him well. His brain is unstable now but maybe later in life it will slow down and he will behave better.

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MikeSp · 56-60, M

@JasonFisher My opinion is based on several people who have acted the same way as this fellow. Could be dementia but I think not as I made the assumption that he is in his 20's since she didn't say otherwise. She asked us what we thought, but bottom line is this guy needs professional help.

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Graylight · 51-55, F

Stop. Your generation is so microscopically interested in labels.

Yor guy is just that - a guy. He's got good habits and bad habits. Good moods and bad moods. Up days, down days. He changes his mind, may have less than stellar manners and is fumbling his way through life just like the rest of us. In this post alone, he's been saddled with 5 different labels.

Not everything is has to be a treatable disorder. Most times it's just the patchwork nature of being a human.

AllAboutLaffs · 70-79, M

This doesn't seem like a good situation to me. It's clear that he has issues with dealing with the world and his circumstances. If you're really asking for advice, I would move on if I were you.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Thank you! @AllAboutLaffs

abe182 · 46-50, M

He obsessed about you and now is over it/you.
I doubt you were anything special to him, that says nothing about you BTW, I doubt anyone will be.

Lackwittyname · 51-55, M

He does not sound like a narcissist to me, have known a few. Cannot say Aspergers, but maybe it is time for you to think of ending it.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Hes literally said when referring to a roommate that it’s his world and his roommate is just living in it. He’s also told me that family is only their for your benefit. It’s about what they can do for him only. That’s all that matters for him. @Lackwittyname

SW-User

Not sure it’s Aspergers...
Maybe some narcissism but also maybe some PTSD

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Hm not sure where he would’ve gotten PTSD from. He’s in cost guard and never seen anything crazy. Maybe his childhood. He’s never told me anything. Although his mom is an alcoholic @SW-User

SW-User

@Moraguea a parent being an abuser of drugs or alcohol can definitely be a traumatic past

SW-User

I think those things would get frustrating after the novelty wore off.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

It is very frustrating. I think because I can’t figure him out it keeps me more intrigued though @SW-User

SW-User

@Moraguea Well in the short run I can understand bring intrigued, but in the long run those same things could be very detrimental to relationship and it's likely to wear off. the issues you identified are serious and it's better to cut it off earlier. IMO.

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Moraguea · 26-30, F

He definitely has anxiety he admits to that, and I definitely see signs of depression surfacing that he somewhat admits to as well. And the first couple months he did keep saying oh I have to impress you and he was doing his best to help me open up to him/prove himself. But then yes that all died down. @JasonFisher

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uncalled4 · 56-60, M

Bottom line, he's not treating you right, get out. What he has or doesn't have is not only beside the point, but also not your problem.

LookingForIt987 · 51-55, M

@uncalled4 Yes! This! A thousand times this!

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496sbc · 36-40, M

wow i am sorry you going through that.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

It's not clear cut to me. It's probably a combo of a few things, maybe even impulsive ADHD. Only a professional can diagnose that. Or, as my dad once said, "Can't someone just be an asshole?"

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Moraguea · 26-30, F

It’s not because of his attitude that I think that. It’s because of what he’s said and certain things that don’t make sense. The asshole part is probably mostly because he’s from Boston lol @DearAmbellina2113

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@Moraguea hey now, I know some really nice people from Boston lol. That's not an excuse!

Moraguea · 26-30, F

Lol of course @DearAmbellina2113

DestroyerOfIdeologies · 22-25, M

He's caddish, so best be a cad to him too. :p

Zonuss · 41-45, M

Narcissism is not a mental illness. Its a spirit. A spirit that is toxic to the soul. 🙂

Zonuss · 41-45, M

Youre being gaslighted dear. Drop em now. 🙂

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Zonuss · 41-45, M

@Moraguea Because you are being manipulated dear. Its a game to him. Its like he is teasing you, and you keep falling for it. Stop that now. 🙂

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Zonuss · 41-45, M

@JasonFisher No. Seems like you might be stupid for assuming. I gave her an answer based on my insight and how I see her story. 🙂

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