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How to handle my husband?

Poll - Total Votes: 16
Hopeless situation?
Just needs work
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My husband moved here for me from another country 5 yrs ago. I discovered that he has many anxieties and insecurities doesn't like to mingle with anyone at all and on top of it is extremely lazy, childish and selfish. Sounds bad but those are literally every bad thing about him. No job in all this time.No remorse for not working. Doesn't clean without lots of fussing. This affects our romantic life. I don't want to tarnish his image by telling anyone so many details about our situation in real life. I'm so isolated in this situation. He loves me and now he is trying to work on some business that I purchased but even that is like more burden than help most days.
eMortal · M
He is sure a child. I bet manipulative too. He knows you won't dare ask for a divorce. You'll feel guilty for bring him here then throwing his ass in the street.
Nevertheless, it's time to have that important discussion. He has to man up or leave. Give him 6months.
The main reason why he doesn't mingle is, he's afraid people may ask what he does for a living.
Start with marriage counseling though.
TheProphet · M
So he's getting a free ride from you and fucking privilages too. He'[s mooching off you and your enabling him.
I would sit him down and lay it all on the table.

Here are the things I will no longer tolerate. Beginning immediately, you will find a job. Any full time job that brings in money. You will shower every day.

If your social anxiety prevents you from going out and enjoying social activities, I won't force you. But I am going to go and do the things I want and you can stay home or come with me. If you choose to stay home you are not to show any negative emotion toward me because I go out.

In one month we will talk again and if I am not satisfied with the improvement, our marriage is over and you will have one month to find another place to live or someone else to support you.

If five years of fussing haven't changed his behavior, it's time to get tough.
SW-User
@Mamapolo2016 No matter how you feel. The discourse that comes from within yourself after, neglects to remember how lonely you felt despite if you loved a person, and everyone feels lost after a breakup so take this time to feel lonely.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@Mamapolo2016 Thanks. Just feels good to vent. I feel I can't say these things to anyone. I agree with you . Action is harder. Can't last this way. Thanks to everyone.
Good luck. @REMsleep
littlemisslight · 36-40, F
Here's the how:
1. Sit down and talk to him, frankly. If you don't know how to say it, write it.
2. Have a break together. Get out of the familiarity / comfort zone to help him discover what it is he wants to do with both of your lives together.
3. Or you have a break on your own to sort out your thoughts. The absence of a burden will soothe you for a bit to get your bearings.

It's not exactly like your situation but I was with a man for 4 years and we almost got married when I realised he was all those things you said about your husband. I am so glad I didn't ask him to come and move closer to me because I just know he would resent me in the future for it. I know at that time he loved me, but it came with a cost. There is nothing wrong to want to stay home and play video games and/or go to the pubs and drink, but to do that and relying on your partner's income all day everyday is just...exhausting. It wasn't a fulfilling relationship anymore.

Good luck.
nedkelly · 61-69, M
Simple - divorce lawyer before he takes everything
Ambroseguy80 · 51-55, M
@nedkelly agreed. Five years is too long already. If he hasn’t found work by now, he’s not going to. Worse is the “no remorse” for being jobless.
Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M
Well, life does have certain realities.
Bills have to be paid; rent has to be found and moving forward as a couple means having to get your anxieties 'manageable'.
Work. Socialising. Friendships. Plans. etc. These are ALL reasonable adult couple expectations. Not 'fanciful dreams'.
So you need to talk; listen; discuss; plan; and see if you can move forward. I think I'd be inclined to say...
We all get bouts of depression.
But we all know that if you want things to change, you have to find a different way of thinking and behaving compared to what you're currently doing.
He can't deny that.
Say you'll support him 100% as long as he actively seeks change. But if he doesn't, you have to look to the future. And that may have to be without him.
eMortal · M
I think the job thing has to do with his "real" qualifications and education. He does not have a recent job experience, if he's been unemployed for 5years.
If you're in US, take him to unemployment centers. They sometimes have free training courses that could help him get a professional certification. Having a job or going to school are good ways to fight social anxiety.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@eMortal Thanks. I've tried getting him into community college. He very reluctantly agreed then after I took off work to walk him thru the counseling, degree plan registration process he said he couldn't do it. 2 year degree was too long to sit with classrooms of strangers. He started online classes as a compromise but stopped those as well wasting my money. Like I said right now he is concentrating on a business that I purchased but, even though I'm happy that he is doing something but this does not bring in money yet. It costs money and his spending ideas in the business can be a bit unrealistic to me. He says that if my business goes well then he really has no plans to ever work. I feel kinda defeated by that idea. He believes that because he is working in my business now that he has finally done his part. I can't see him the way that I want to see my husband because of these things that he says and does not do. He is trying but I feel that it is too little. He says if we have good money and we are happy then why should I care who or how the money is made. He is ok to remotely assist in my business cuz he can be alone often.
Maybe because he misses his family and is depressed and needs support. Stop trying to tarnish his reputation and give him tough love and encourage him to get a job.

The first 5 years are the hardest. Especially employment.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@DudeGuyManBro I have never tried to tarnish his rep. That's why I'm online venting anon. I've tried nearly everything and yes he has some level of depression.
Newconvo2 · 46-50, M
Try counseling if you want to work on it. May or may not help but if you want to stay in the relationship you may want to try it
Ambroseguy80 · 51-55, M
It sounds trite, but be grateful if you don’t have any children with him. Cut your losses now.....
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SW-User
I actually think his attitude as being totally unacceptable.
Lorieta · 36-40, F
He taking advantage of you.
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melbeacher · 56-60, M
Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him if he’s not working he needs to Pitchin around the house at least. The more he pitches in the nooky he’s going to get.
helenS · 36-40, F
Please, how long have you been in a relationship with this man [i]before[/i] you married him?
REMsleep · 41-45, F
@helenS Many years long distance. Many visits. Talking to his family. My mom even traveled to meet him before. He actually took a big legal risk for me. That's what made me know he was very serious.
helenS · 36-40, F
@REMsleep Thank you — this is a typical case of "bad luck". I think nobody on here can give good advice.
All I can say is that, from my experience, people [i]never[/i] change.
REMsleep · 41-45, F
He is not " knowingly" trying to be a user. He really is just slow to action. Started school, stopped school due to anxieties and laziness etc.. He is really a very nice person,just is missing maturity. He is working hard at one my business for past few months but gets upset if I treat him like employee and with budget concerns in business. I need to start family. This situation isn't my ideal. I'm ok to "wear pants" if I have to just need support.
MethDozer · M
Deport his ass

 
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