I Think You Must Be Depressed To Understand Depression
For the past year now, I've been too scared or unsure about trying to talk to new people. I am usually always too nervous to initiate a conversation with someone new. I'm scared of rejection, so I don't even try. And I don’t mean that with just women, I feel that way about everyone I meet. Like I’m never worth anyone’s time. Ever since breaking up with my ex, I felt like I was just a lost cause. Always told myself I just wasn’t worth anyone’s time. For a long while, I honestly believed that I lost my last chance to properly be happy or love someone after me and my ex separated.. So the only thing I could really do is isolate myself. I did things that I truly regret, like doing acid twice, weed almost every day… It’s no way to live... It's always been hard for me to make friends, even as a child. It always felt impossible to just be myself.. so isolating myself was all I knew how to do. It’s really hard to explain everything clearly.. I don’t think I could properly express all of those feelings of guilt, and loneliness into words. The only thing I do know, is that I was walking around with this huge sense of unfulfillment.
But today, I found myself doing just that. Being myself with someone, for the first time in a while. I had lunch at the college cafeteria today, and someone from my class waved at me. So I initiated a conversation with her to come sit over at my table for lunch, and it was actually a really nice talk. We chatted about our majors, college related junk plus a few personal things about our lives. She has a long-distance boyfriend, so the chances that we'll talk in an intimate sense is pretty slim. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter, is that for the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually was fully able to just... be me and chat with someone casually without intimidating them. I didn’t feel like she was only talking with me because she felt sorry for me, but because she genuinely wanted to. It’s a great feeling, finding that sense of importance in self. I honestly thought that I would never be able to do that again. I hated myself for the longest time, thought I could never be worth anyone’s time. Yet after today, I feel a huge sense of fulfillment from this. Not because of the fact I got to talk with a girl, or because of the fact I might have a new friend. But because I never thought I would be given these sorts of opportunities again in my life, and here they are! Hope isn’t dead for people like me just yet! It’s actually helped me realize a couple of important things, too. The first being that I lost touch with who I am.. I honestly believed I would never have another chance to make new friends since breaking up with my ex. I had always believed in my mind and in my heart that I was a despicable human being, unworthy of love. So because of that, I isolated myself and did things I truly regret. Developed habits I thought were inescapable.. habits that changed who I was. After today’s encounter though, I feel indifferent towards that way of thinking. Of course, some of this same negativity still plagues my mind. Some habits haven’t completely gone away yet. But I feel different now. For the first time in a long while, I feel as if I could do anything as long as I try.. Like I don’t need to depend on any sort of substance or person for my own happiness. It’s an overwhelmingly joyful and powerful feeling to have, once you claim it back.. I’m just praying that I don’t fall back into that same darkness I was once in. I want to be better. I want to live a happy life, and be someone worthy of loving.
But today, I found myself doing just that. Being myself with someone, for the first time in a while. I had lunch at the college cafeteria today, and someone from my class waved at me. So I initiated a conversation with her to come sit over at my table for lunch, and it was actually a really nice talk. We chatted about our majors, college related junk plus a few personal things about our lives. She has a long-distance boyfriend, so the chances that we'll talk in an intimate sense is pretty slim. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter, is that for the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually was fully able to just... be me and chat with someone casually without intimidating them. I didn’t feel like she was only talking with me because she felt sorry for me, but because she genuinely wanted to. It’s a great feeling, finding that sense of importance in self. I honestly thought that I would never be able to do that again. I hated myself for the longest time, thought I could never be worth anyone’s time. Yet after today, I feel a huge sense of fulfillment from this. Not because of the fact I got to talk with a girl, or because of the fact I might have a new friend. But because I never thought I would be given these sorts of opportunities again in my life, and here they are! Hope isn’t dead for people like me just yet! It’s actually helped me realize a couple of important things, too. The first being that I lost touch with who I am.. I honestly believed I would never have another chance to make new friends since breaking up with my ex. I had always believed in my mind and in my heart that I was a despicable human being, unworthy of love. So because of that, I isolated myself and did things I truly regret. Developed habits I thought were inescapable.. habits that changed who I was. After today’s encounter though, I feel indifferent towards that way of thinking. Of course, some of this same negativity still plagues my mind. Some habits haven’t completely gone away yet. But I feel different now. For the first time in a long while, I feel as if I could do anything as long as I try.. Like I don’t need to depend on any sort of substance or person for my own happiness. It’s an overwhelmingly joyful and powerful feeling to have, once you claim it back.. I’m just praying that I don’t fall back into that same darkness I was once in. I want to be better. I want to live a happy life, and be someone worthy of loving.
22-25, M
