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I've Made Mistakes In Life

I KNOW that I cannot control another human being. My grip on reality becomes skewed every time I find a hidden backdoor that is unlocked. The front door is locked; I understand that, I cannot control the behaviors of another person. The only person I have control over is me. These are the things that I honestly DO believe…. I don’t want to abandon this concept, I want for it to stand guard, at the entrance to my thoughts and fight off any other idea that would challenge its validity.

But…. My guard can only protect the entrance to MY thoughts. I know that they are safe but there is a scared little girl that refuses to believe she is safe. She is the one who wants me to believe, that I can fix, whoever it is that I happen to be trying to fix at the moment. But that is not what she really wants... What she really wants is to fix in her, what he broke years ago! She thinks she can do this by fixing HIM!

I'm constantly searching for someone else to take his place... Someone else to fix... Because if I can fix them, maybe that will mend what he broke in me.

I am not the one who finds these backdoors, and even if I did find one, I wouldn’t try to open it! These backdoors are only traps, filled with illusions and empty promises. I know the only thing to gain from walking through one of these doors will be certain disappointment. They are all the same, but she buys in to every one of them she can get open. She needs to find a cure for him and nothing anyone says or does will make her abandon her mission. She does not have her own reality so every time she walks through a new door, whatever reality is waiting behind it, becomes real to her.

It’s like she is shooting at a target with a gun that has a busted scope. The calibration on the scope is automatic and changes constantly. Much like a dynamic IP address frequently changes for security purposes. The little girl is scared and she has no idea why, fear and uncertainty is all she knows, that is home to her. The reality she stepped into is telling her that if she can shoot this target enough times… she won’t have to be afraid anymore.

She finally has control of something that can help save her; help protect her from whatever it is that has her so scared. She begins shooting at the target with determination and enthusiasm, but she doesn’t seem to be hitting the target at all. This frustrates her but the frustration makes her try even harder. Because she is still not able to hit the target, despite her best efforts, she begins to think that maybe she just isn’t doing it right. Frantically, she starts blindly shooting as fast as she can everywhere hoping to get lucky enough times. Once that bout of panic has subsided, she realizes that if she continues at the rate she is going now, she will never be able to hit the target the desired amount of times before running out of bullets. Time to regroup…

When she is finally able to take her eyes off the target and take a moment to think about her next move instead of acting on raw impulses, she instantly gains the clarity she needed, enabling her to devise a plan of action. She fires the gun, but this time, instead of looking through the scope, she looks up toward the target and watches the surrounding area to see where the bullet hits. From there, she is able to make effective adjustments which move her closer to hitting the target.

Then…. Out of nowhere…. The dynamic IP address changes and she suddenly finds herself right back where she started. What used to work before, stops working. The elated feeling of accomplishment she was just floating so high on, is violently popped and she slams to the ground in defeat…. But it worked, her hard work and ingenuity found a way to save the day. She finally has a purpose, and feels worthy of an existence.

Back to the drawing board… With a renewed sense of determination, fueled by the belief that she CAN succeed… She fires another random shot, makes the necessary adjustments and begins her emotional climb all over again… Only to have the dynamic scope randomly change again. Each time she fails, she feels more defeated and her self-worth slips even further.
Gentlequill · 51-55, M
Wow. You put waaay too much stress on yourself. Overthinking can be your worst enemy.
ojoscolorverdes · 41-45, F
I enjoyed every word written.
Shayama · FVIP
Arnt we all ?

 
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