I Still Think About My High School Crush
[big][b][i]The Happiest/Saddest Night of my Life: Part 8 (The Finale)[/i][/b][/big]
[sep]
[i]I recommend you reading the previous parts on my profile, before starting this one.[/i]
[sep]
[b][i]Time's Up[/i][/b]
I left The Big Room and started running through the halls of the building. There weren't as many people outside of The Big Room, so it was easier to scan through. It took me a couple of minutes until I came across Cassidy... she was speaking to some friends in a hallway. As I approached her, I didn't know what to say... should I ask her for a moment alone or should I tell her that she's needed in The Big Room?
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Cassidy!"[/c]
She turned to me. I didn't know what to say. I remember opening my mouth and the next words just escaped me.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You're needed in the party room. The host won't start the next event, without you."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Oh! Thanks, Charlie! I'll be right there!"[/c]
I couldn't ask her for a moment alone now... she was needed ASAP. I returned to The Big Room and found a change in scenery... in the center, where everyone once danced... there were now rows of chairs where people sat. And in the front of the room was now a blank billboard and a projector pointed straight at it. Cassidy had walked in.
Host: [c=#359E00]"Your parents wanted to share with you and the audience their cherished memories of you. Take a seat here."[/c]
The host pointed his hand towards the very first seat in the first row. All of the other chairs were taken. I assumed everyone wanted to save the first two seats for Cassidy and Andre, so I remained standing. The host turned to look at me.
Host: [c=#359E00]"There's an open seat, right here!"[/c]
He pointed at the chair next to Cassidy's. I took a quick look around to see if I could find Andre... but he was nowhere in sight. I hesitantly sat next to Cassidy. The slideshow began. It had beautiful music and incredibly animated pictures of Cassidy growing up and the memories of life with Cassidy. I don't remember too much about the slideshow, as my mind was completely occupied with how I'd go about sharing my feelings to Cassidy. She was right next to me. Right f*cking there. But it just wasn't a good moment. There was never a good moment. It was like trying to find an opportunity to speak to a celebrity, alone, when they're surrounded by paparazzi. When can I speak to her?
The video soon came to an end and everyone applauded. I turned to Cassidy and she appeared so thankful for the video. We all walked back to our seats as many workers, from what I can only imagine worked in this building, started to take the chairs away. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket...
[quote][center]MOTHER
I'm outside.[/center][/quote]
Time was up. I needed to go... I had started to say my goodbyes to everyone: Matthew, Sharon, Krystal, Andre, Andrea... I would leave Cassidy for last.
[c=#800000][i]What do I tell her?...[/i][/c]
I approached Cassidy.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"I have to go... Please take a look at your phone in a bit."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Oh, ok. I will! Thank you for coming by to the party!"[/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Thanks for inviting me!"[/c]
I started heading out. It wouldn't be the best method of speaking to her, but it'll be the way I always have: through messaging.
[b][i]A Message to Cassidy[/b][/i]
It's weird... whenever we deliver important messages to someone, we usually think long and hard about what to say. But I didn't have to think hard, at all, for this message. My feelings just cascaded down onto my phone and started to turn into words. And I kept writing, until there was nothing left to say. This was far more than a confession. If I had a personal diary, this would be the equivalent of giving her the entire d@mn book to read. This was all of the pent-up feelings I held back throughout the years.
This was around the time that smartphones were starting to become a thing, so the phone I had was bad. I was only limited to 160 characters each message. And so, when I would hit my character limit in a message, I'd save it as a draft, and continue that message with a new one.
I can say, without a doubt, that has been the longest message I've ever sent anyone. My entire message consisted of 16 separate messages, sent all at once. It was insane. Imagine having your phone next to you, then getting a message alert... then again...then again... [i]Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!.[/i]
My message felt like it could never be long enough to tell her how I felt about her. I kept typing until I was all the way home. I kept typing as I walked into my room and laid down on my bed... Once I was done, I sent out every message, one after another, in the order it was meant to be read.
I waited a few minutes. I can only imagine what was occurring at the party. Cassidy would hear her phone vibrate and she'd pick it up. It would say [quote][center]1 MESSAGE FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]. Then a moment later vibrate again.
[quote][center]2 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
[quote][center]3 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
[quote][center]4 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
She would begin to read the entirety of my message. I'm sure I have forgotten many of my lines, but this was the gist of what I had written her.
[quote][center]To Cassidy[/center]
Before I met you, I had no friends. I'd go to school and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. And I wouldn't make an attempt to speak to others because I didn't even have confidence in myself. But all of that was before I met you.
[/quote]
And as she'd read through my messages, her phone would vibrate, indicating a new message.
[i]New message from Charlie... another message...[/i]
[quote]You've always told me that you didn't think you deserved a friend like me. But there were so many moments where I'd feel like no one can see me, as if I were some ghost. But you saw me for who I was. I used to just go home and play video games all day... but ever since I had gotten to speak with you, you helped me grow.[/quote]
[i]Vibrate... Vibrate... [/i]
[quote]I should have told you all of this a long time ago, so I'm sorry for only telling you now. I'm sorry for never having told you that I'd rather pull all-nighters online with you than sleep. I'm sorry for never having told you that the moments you'd crash into me in school to hug me, were always the highlight of my days. Or that your smile was always enough to make me feel like the happiest guy alive. Or that every morning I’d wake up, you’d be the first thing on my mind.[/quote]
[i]Vibrate... Vibrate... Vibrate... Vibrate...[/i]
[quote][center]16 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
[quote]I want to thank you for being my motivation, my best friend, and my crush. For inviting me to the best night of my life. For always being there... You were the absolute greatest thing to ever happen to me... But most of all, thank you for teaching me how to love.
Tonight, I was acknowledged by your friends. And when I met your mother, I was so happy to hear that you've told her about me. Tonight, your friends took hold of my arms and dragged me to the dance floor because they wanted me there. Tonight, I felt wanted. And as I danced, everyone cheered me on. I felt appreciated. Tonight, I wasn't just someone filling up an empty seat, I felt recognized... Tonight, you gave me the strength to get out of my comfort zone. To go out to a party. To dance like no one was watching, even though everyone was. To write to you like this... I couldn't have come this far, without you. You made me into a better person. You helped make me into who I am today.
So, I don't EVER want to hear you say that you don't deserve a friend like me. Because the truth is that you deserve SO MUCH more.
I love you, Cassidy. And I always will.
[/quote]
[b][i]Incoming Call[/b][/i]
I was waiting in my room.
[c=#800000]What do I do now?[/c]
I just waited. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but wait and think. A few moments later, my phone started to play its ringtone. I took a look.
[quote][center]Cassidy is calling...[/center][/quote]
My heart began to race. I was so f*cking nervous. I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. I pressed the phone to my ear and kept quiet for just a moment... Nothing... I couldn't hear the party in the background. I only heard a sniffle.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Hello?"[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"That... *sniffle* That made me cry."[/c]
I began to feel like I was about to cry, myself. I couldn't hear any sounds in the background, though. She had clearly left the Big Room and was probably alone. We sat there in silence. I didn't know what to say. And she probably didn't know what to say, either. A few moments later, I broke the silence.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"I'm sorry."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"No... it's ok... I had no idea I did that much."[/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You did so much more."[/c]
We were met with silence again. I repeated myself.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You did so much more. And I never had the chance to express that. If I was given more time, I would have probably written more... but I thought 16 messages would suffice."[/c]
She laughed.
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Yeah, haha... That was enough."[/c]
It was at this point, the strangest thing occurred. A moment of my night came to mind. I remembered what the host had asked me, earlier.
[i][c=#1F5E00]Hey! We're looking for Cassidy. Can you find her? You ARE the man for the job, right?[/c]
[c=#800000]Why am I thinking of this now?[/c]
[c=#1F5E00]Can you find her?
.
.
.
You ARE the man for the job, right?
.
.
.[/c][/i]
I finally realized something... Who was all of this for? I started to think back at everything I told myself that night.
[c=#800000][i]I need to tell her how I feel.
.
.
When can I tell her how I feel?
.
.
No disrespect to Andre, but I need to let her know how I feel.
.
.
I felt comfortable with telling Matthew how I feel about Cassidy.
[/i][/c]
I've been so selfish... Who was this night about? Me? Or Cassidy? If it's for Cassidy, why am I only thinking about myself? I couldn't think of a moment where I looked at Cassidy enjoying herself, during the party. I was always concerned with what I wanted, but didn't take the time to cherish her moments of happiness. Her parents probably did. Andre probably did. But I was blinded by what I wanted. I wanted her to love me and that's all I thought about. I've been so godd*mn selfish...
Who was all of the all-nighters for? For me or for her? To win her over or to make her happy? Which was more important to me? My happiness or hers? My actions would speak louder than my words.
I remembered Al having cut himself to date Cassidy… Al had done it for himself. And as of that moment, my actions were screaming into my ears: "It was all for you, too". Everything I've done was for myself. On the night of her Sweet 16, I was thinking more of myself than I was of her.
I realized love could make you selfish. I cherished her so much that I wanted to be hers... My actions reflected that.
[c=#800000][i]But that's exactly why I have to let you go...[/c][/i]
The moment that thought came to my head, I was terrified. I began to feel a huge weight over my shoulders... heavier than anything I've felt before. The lunch-time stalker was creeping back into my head and was focused on looking out for her, one last time. He wanted me to stop focusing on winning her over, but to let her go. My mind felt split between the stalker and my own desires.
[i][c=#800000][b]Do you care for her?[/b]
I won’t treat her like Al treated her.
[b]But do you care for her?[/b]
I’ll treat her like a queen.
[b]But do you CARE for her?![/b]
Why else would I do so many nice things for her?
[b]So that she can be with you.[/b]
But I'll make her happy.
[b]How do you know?[/c][/i][/b]
Cassidy may have once been in denial for believing she could be happy with Al. But I realized now that I was in denial... I could promise her to be the absolute best boyfriend I could possibly be, but who's to say that would be enough? We all have our preferences… and regardless of how hard I may try, I may not have whatever it is she desires. You can’t [b]make[/b] someone love you, no matter how hard you try.
[i][c=#800000][b]Who's happiness do you care more for?[/b][/i][/c]
But she was the one who called me... Which meant that at that very moment, she chose to spend time with me, rather than her own party... But of course, she'd call me. She was always selfless. I spilled my very being all over my messages. Why wouldn't she call back? This was supposed to be her night, not mine. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me.[/i][/c] I realized that. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me.[/i][/c] But this was my chance to talk to her. [c=#800000][i]But that would make it about me.[/i][/c] It's the moment I've always been waiting for. It was just Cassidy and I, no one else, in an emotional state. [c=#800000][i]But this wasn't about me. This is [b]NOT[/b] about me.[/i][/c] I started to tear up. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me... this isn't about me... this is [b]NOT ABOUT ME[/b].[/i][/c]
Every moment I ever spent with Cassidy, was all for this one moment. But that's what made these very next words the hardest ones I've ever had to say in my entire life. If I could give her advice, this one last time, what would it be? With tears rolling down my cheeks, I told her:
Me: [c=#BF0000]"This is [b]your[/b] night. We can talk anytime, but this party is only going to happen [b]once[/b] in your life. It's your Sweet 16. Everyone's waiting for [b]you[/b] out there."[/c]
But we wouldn’t talk together like this again. We had stopped speaking to one another before this Sweet 16. I wouldn’t be able to recreate this scene. I’ve exhausted absolutely everything in me to make this happen. And I wouldn’t be able to stay close to someone who I loved so much, but didn’t love me back. This would be my last opportunity. This was going against everything I had ever wanted. My words were at odds with my heart. My mouth was trembling, and I knew my voice would crack if I let another word out. But I couldn’t let Cassidy know I was crying… the moment she would hear me cry, she would stay with me out of concern, just as she had stayed in a relationship with Al out of concern for him. Her decision couldn’t come from pity, her decision had to come from her own mind and heart, from her own desires. If I forced her to speak with me, how else would I be different from Al?
I took a silent, but trembling breath in and tried to swallow every bit of fear and pain before I said,
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You need to go. Everyone's waiting for you."[/c]
.
.
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"*sniffles* Are you sure?"[/c]
[c=#800000][i]I'm letting you go because you deserve [b]your[/b] night, not mine.[/i][/c]
I remember clenching my teeth hard and forcing my mouth to stay shut, because I felt cries trying to escape from it. My moral compass, my voice, was asking her to go, but my emotions, my mind, asked her to stay. I spoke strongly, not allowing for the slightest hint of any tears rolling down my face. Who's happiness mattered more? If I had to choose...
Me: [c=#BF0000]"We can talk later, Cassidy."[/c]
[c=#800000][i]No, we won't, don't say this...[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Everyone’s waiting for you."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]We won't speak like this ever again...[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You should go."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]Please don’t go…[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"They need you there."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]I need you here…[/i][/c]
.
.
.
Every word that escaped my mouth went against everything I felt.
This was it. Her next actions would say it all. Because one thought came into my head.
[c=#800000][i]If you love me... don't leave me here.[/i][/c]
She finally responded...
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Ok... Have a good night, Charlie."[/c]
And it was at that point, that I couldn't hold on any longer. I immediately hung up the phone and the cries I tried so hard to hold back just spat out of my mouth. I completely broke down. Crying long and loudly. A cry, I'm sure, everyone in my house could hear. And everyone knew what it was about. I couldn't stop... My tears wouldn't stop. I couldn't quiet down, as I was practically screaming. I felt all of the weight on my shoulders completely collapse on top of me... crushing me.
[b][i]The End: Introspection[/b][/i]
[i]Did I do the right thing? Did I do something stupid? Would I come to regret this?[/i]
I just wanted what was best for her... I wasn't entitled to her, so she didn't have to pick me. But this was the hardest thing to give up. I thought of everything we went through. All the years, all the classes, the jokes we had, the sports, the collisions, everything back to the day we met. The large white computer room where I first saw her… how we became friends almost immediately.
I thought to myself... [i]Was it all worth it? Was it all a waste of time? All of the time I spent with her... Was it worth it?[/i]
I answered it almost immediately. It was. If I could go back in time, I'd do it all over again.
I'd tell her I had a crush on her on Facebook, again. I'd kill myself in the P.E. Final and make it to "fight-or-flight", again. I'd pull the many all-nighters that we spent together, again. I'd collide into her in school, again. I'd break my right wrist, again. I'd have it be smashed by a ball, again. I'd become temporarily blind, again. I'd run till my muscles gave out, again... Because if it meant seeing her smile one last time, I'd do it all over again.
Despite all of the pain, she's done enough for me... She has done [b]more[/b] than enough. The 2 years I spent with her... it wasn't about the destination, but the journey. The journey made me more confident. It made me open to speaking to others. It made me have more friends. It made me a better person.
So now, if there is one last thing I can add onto my message to her, it'd be this:
[quote][center]Thank you, Cassidy... for making me stronger than ever before, through a broken heart.[/quote][/center]
[b][i][center]The End[/b][/i][/center]
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[i]I recommend you reading the previous parts on my profile, before starting this one.[/i]
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[b][i]Time's Up[/i][/b]
I left The Big Room and started running through the halls of the building. There weren't as many people outside of The Big Room, so it was easier to scan through. It took me a couple of minutes until I came across Cassidy... she was speaking to some friends in a hallway. As I approached her, I didn't know what to say... should I ask her for a moment alone or should I tell her that she's needed in The Big Room?
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Cassidy!"[/c]
She turned to me. I didn't know what to say. I remember opening my mouth and the next words just escaped me.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You're needed in the party room. The host won't start the next event, without you."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Oh! Thanks, Charlie! I'll be right there!"[/c]
I couldn't ask her for a moment alone now... she was needed ASAP. I returned to The Big Room and found a change in scenery... in the center, where everyone once danced... there were now rows of chairs where people sat. And in the front of the room was now a blank billboard and a projector pointed straight at it. Cassidy had walked in.
Host: [c=#359E00]"Your parents wanted to share with you and the audience their cherished memories of you. Take a seat here."[/c]
The host pointed his hand towards the very first seat in the first row. All of the other chairs were taken. I assumed everyone wanted to save the first two seats for Cassidy and Andre, so I remained standing. The host turned to look at me.
Host: [c=#359E00]"There's an open seat, right here!"[/c]
He pointed at the chair next to Cassidy's. I took a quick look around to see if I could find Andre... but he was nowhere in sight. I hesitantly sat next to Cassidy. The slideshow began. It had beautiful music and incredibly animated pictures of Cassidy growing up and the memories of life with Cassidy. I don't remember too much about the slideshow, as my mind was completely occupied with how I'd go about sharing my feelings to Cassidy. She was right next to me. Right f*cking there. But it just wasn't a good moment. There was never a good moment. It was like trying to find an opportunity to speak to a celebrity, alone, when they're surrounded by paparazzi. When can I speak to her?
The video soon came to an end and everyone applauded. I turned to Cassidy and she appeared so thankful for the video. We all walked back to our seats as many workers, from what I can only imagine worked in this building, started to take the chairs away. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket...
[quote][center]MOTHER
I'm outside.[/center][/quote]
Time was up. I needed to go... I had started to say my goodbyes to everyone: Matthew, Sharon, Krystal, Andre, Andrea... I would leave Cassidy for last.
[c=#800000][i]What do I tell her?...[/i][/c]
I approached Cassidy.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"I have to go... Please take a look at your phone in a bit."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Oh, ok. I will! Thank you for coming by to the party!"[/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Thanks for inviting me!"[/c]
I started heading out. It wouldn't be the best method of speaking to her, but it'll be the way I always have: through messaging.
[b][i]A Message to Cassidy[/b][/i]
It's weird... whenever we deliver important messages to someone, we usually think long and hard about what to say. But I didn't have to think hard, at all, for this message. My feelings just cascaded down onto my phone and started to turn into words. And I kept writing, until there was nothing left to say. This was far more than a confession. If I had a personal diary, this would be the equivalent of giving her the entire d@mn book to read. This was all of the pent-up feelings I held back throughout the years.
This was around the time that smartphones were starting to become a thing, so the phone I had was bad. I was only limited to 160 characters each message. And so, when I would hit my character limit in a message, I'd save it as a draft, and continue that message with a new one.
I can say, without a doubt, that has been the longest message I've ever sent anyone. My entire message consisted of 16 separate messages, sent all at once. It was insane. Imagine having your phone next to you, then getting a message alert... then again...then again... [i]Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!... Message!.[/i]
My message felt like it could never be long enough to tell her how I felt about her. I kept typing until I was all the way home. I kept typing as I walked into my room and laid down on my bed... Once I was done, I sent out every message, one after another, in the order it was meant to be read.
I waited a few minutes. I can only imagine what was occurring at the party. Cassidy would hear her phone vibrate and she'd pick it up. It would say [quote][center]1 MESSAGE FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]. Then a moment later vibrate again.
[quote][center]2 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
[quote][center]3 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
[quote][center]4 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
.
.
She would begin to read the entirety of my message. I'm sure I have forgotten many of my lines, but this was the gist of what I had written her.
[quote][center]To Cassidy[/center]
Before I met you, I had no friends. I'd go to school and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. And I wouldn't make an attempt to speak to others because I didn't even have confidence in myself. But all of that was before I met you.
[/quote]
And as she'd read through my messages, her phone would vibrate, indicating a new message.
[i]New message from Charlie... another message...[/i]
[quote]You've always told me that you didn't think you deserved a friend like me. But there were so many moments where I'd feel like no one can see me, as if I were some ghost. But you saw me for who I was. I used to just go home and play video games all day... but ever since I had gotten to speak with you, you helped me grow.[/quote]
[i]Vibrate... Vibrate... [/i]
[quote]I should have told you all of this a long time ago, so I'm sorry for only telling you now. I'm sorry for never having told you that I'd rather pull all-nighters online with you than sleep. I'm sorry for never having told you that the moments you'd crash into me in school to hug me, were always the highlight of my days. Or that your smile was always enough to make me feel like the happiest guy alive. Or that every morning I’d wake up, you’d be the first thing on my mind.[/quote]
[i]Vibrate... Vibrate... Vibrate... Vibrate...[/i]
[quote][center]16 MESSAGES FROM CHARLIE[/center][/quote]
[quote]I want to thank you for being my motivation, my best friend, and my crush. For inviting me to the best night of my life. For always being there... You were the absolute greatest thing to ever happen to me... But most of all, thank you for teaching me how to love.
Tonight, I was acknowledged by your friends. And when I met your mother, I was so happy to hear that you've told her about me. Tonight, your friends took hold of my arms and dragged me to the dance floor because they wanted me there. Tonight, I felt wanted. And as I danced, everyone cheered me on. I felt appreciated. Tonight, I wasn't just someone filling up an empty seat, I felt recognized... Tonight, you gave me the strength to get out of my comfort zone. To go out to a party. To dance like no one was watching, even though everyone was. To write to you like this... I couldn't have come this far, without you. You made me into a better person. You helped make me into who I am today.
So, I don't EVER want to hear you say that you don't deserve a friend like me. Because the truth is that you deserve SO MUCH more.
I love you, Cassidy. And I always will.
[/quote]
[b][i]Incoming Call[/b][/i]
I was waiting in my room.
[c=#800000]What do I do now?[/c]
I just waited. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but wait and think. A few moments later, my phone started to play its ringtone. I took a look.
[quote][center]Cassidy is calling...[/center][/quote]
My heart began to race. I was so f*cking nervous. I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. I pressed the phone to my ear and kept quiet for just a moment... Nothing... I couldn't hear the party in the background. I only heard a sniffle.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Hello?"[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"That... *sniffle* That made me cry."[/c]
I began to feel like I was about to cry, myself. I couldn't hear any sounds in the background, though. She had clearly left the Big Room and was probably alone. We sat there in silence. I didn't know what to say. And she probably didn't know what to say, either. A few moments later, I broke the silence.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"I'm sorry."[/c]
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"No... it's ok... I had no idea I did that much."[/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You did so much more."[/c]
We were met with silence again. I repeated myself.
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You did so much more. And I never had the chance to express that. If I was given more time, I would have probably written more... but I thought 16 messages would suffice."[/c]
She laughed.
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Yeah, haha... That was enough."[/c]
It was at this point, the strangest thing occurred. A moment of my night came to mind. I remembered what the host had asked me, earlier.
[i][c=#1F5E00]Hey! We're looking for Cassidy. Can you find her? You ARE the man for the job, right?[/c]
[c=#800000]Why am I thinking of this now?[/c]
[c=#1F5E00]Can you find her?
.
.
.
You ARE the man for the job, right?
.
.
.[/c][/i]
I finally realized something... Who was all of this for? I started to think back at everything I told myself that night.
[c=#800000][i]I need to tell her how I feel.
.
.
When can I tell her how I feel?
.
.
No disrespect to Andre, but I need to let her know how I feel.
.
.
I felt comfortable with telling Matthew how I feel about Cassidy.
[/i][/c]
I've been so selfish... Who was this night about? Me? Or Cassidy? If it's for Cassidy, why am I only thinking about myself? I couldn't think of a moment where I looked at Cassidy enjoying herself, during the party. I was always concerned with what I wanted, but didn't take the time to cherish her moments of happiness. Her parents probably did. Andre probably did. But I was blinded by what I wanted. I wanted her to love me and that's all I thought about. I've been so godd*mn selfish...
Who was all of the all-nighters for? For me or for her? To win her over or to make her happy? Which was more important to me? My happiness or hers? My actions would speak louder than my words.
I remembered Al having cut himself to date Cassidy… Al had done it for himself. And as of that moment, my actions were screaming into my ears: "It was all for you, too". Everything I've done was for myself. On the night of her Sweet 16, I was thinking more of myself than I was of her.
I realized love could make you selfish. I cherished her so much that I wanted to be hers... My actions reflected that.
[c=#800000][i]But that's exactly why I have to let you go...[/c][/i]
The moment that thought came to my head, I was terrified. I began to feel a huge weight over my shoulders... heavier than anything I've felt before. The lunch-time stalker was creeping back into my head and was focused on looking out for her, one last time. He wanted me to stop focusing on winning her over, but to let her go. My mind felt split between the stalker and my own desires.
[i][c=#800000][b]Do you care for her?[/b]
I won’t treat her like Al treated her.
[b]But do you care for her?[/b]
I’ll treat her like a queen.
[b]But do you CARE for her?![/b]
Why else would I do so many nice things for her?
[b]So that she can be with you.[/b]
But I'll make her happy.
[b]How do you know?[/c][/i][/b]
Cassidy may have once been in denial for believing she could be happy with Al. But I realized now that I was in denial... I could promise her to be the absolute best boyfriend I could possibly be, but who's to say that would be enough? We all have our preferences… and regardless of how hard I may try, I may not have whatever it is she desires. You can’t [b]make[/b] someone love you, no matter how hard you try.
[i][c=#800000][b]Who's happiness do you care more for?[/b][/i][/c]
But she was the one who called me... Which meant that at that very moment, she chose to spend time with me, rather than her own party... But of course, she'd call me. She was always selfless. I spilled my very being all over my messages. Why wouldn't she call back? This was supposed to be her night, not mine. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me.[/i][/c] I realized that. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me.[/i][/c] But this was my chance to talk to her. [c=#800000][i]But that would make it about me.[/i][/c] It's the moment I've always been waiting for. It was just Cassidy and I, no one else, in an emotional state. [c=#800000][i]But this wasn't about me. This is [b]NOT[/b] about me.[/i][/c] I started to tear up. [c=#800000][i]This isn't about me... this isn't about me... this is [b]NOT ABOUT ME[/b].[/i][/c]
Every moment I ever spent with Cassidy, was all for this one moment. But that's what made these very next words the hardest ones I've ever had to say in my entire life. If I could give her advice, this one last time, what would it be? With tears rolling down my cheeks, I told her:
Me: [c=#BF0000]"This is [b]your[/b] night. We can talk anytime, but this party is only going to happen [b]once[/b] in your life. It's your Sweet 16. Everyone's waiting for [b]you[/b] out there."[/c]
But we wouldn’t talk together like this again. We had stopped speaking to one another before this Sweet 16. I wouldn’t be able to recreate this scene. I’ve exhausted absolutely everything in me to make this happen. And I wouldn’t be able to stay close to someone who I loved so much, but didn’t love me back. This would be my last opportunity. This was going against everything I had ever wanted. My words were at odds with my heart. My mouth was trembling, and I knew my voice would crack if I let another word out. But I couldn’t let Cassidy know I was crying… the moment she would hear me cry, she would stay with me out of concern, just as she had stayed in a relationship with Al out of concern for him. Her decision couldn’t come from pity, her decision had to come from her own mind and heart, from her own desires. If I forced her to speak with me, how else would I be different from Al?
I took a silent, but trembling breath in and tried to swallow every bit of fear and pain before I said,
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You need to go. Everyone's waiting for you."[/c]
.
.
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"*sniffles* Are you sure?"[/c]
[c=#800000][i]I'm letting you go because you deserve [b]your[/b] night, not mine.[/i][/c]
I remember clenching my teeth hard and forcing my mouth to stay shut, because I felt cries trying to escape from it. My moral compass, my voice, was asking her to go, but my emotions, my mind, asked her to stay. I spoke strongly, not allowing for the slightest hint of any tears rolling down my face. Who's happiness mattered more? If I had to choose...
Me: [c=#BF0000]"We can talk later, Cassidy."[/c]
[c=#800000][i]No, we won't, don't say this...[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"Everyone’s waiting for you."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]We won't speak like this ever again...[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"You should go."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]Please don’t go…[/i][/c]
Me: [c=#BF0000]"They need you there."[/quote][/c]
[c=#800000][i]I need you here…[/i][/c]
.
.
.
Every word that escaped my mouth went against everything I felt.
This was it. Her next actions would say it all. Because one thought came into my head.
[c=#800000][i]If you love me... don't leave me here.[/i][/c]
She finally responded...
Cassidy: [c=#003BB2]"Ok... Have a good night, Charlie."[/c]
And it was at that point, that I couldn't hold on any longer. I immediately hung up the phone and the cries I tried so hard to hold back just spat out of my mouth. I completely broke down. Crying long and loudly. A cry, I'm sure, everyone in my house could hear. And everyone knew what it was about. I couldn't stop... My tears wouldn't stop. I couldn't quiet down, as I was practically screaming. I felt all of the weight on my shoulders completely collapse on top of me... crushing me.
[b][i]The End: Introspection[/b][/i]
[i]Did I do the right thing? Did I do something stupid? Would I come to regret this?[/i]
I just wanted what was best for her... I wasn't entitled to her, so she didn't have to pick me. But this was the hardest thing to give up. I thought of everything we went through. All the years, all the classes, the jokes we had, the sports, the collisions, everything back to the day we met. The large white computer room where I first saw her… how we became friends almost immediately.
I thought to myself... [i]Was it all worth it? Was it all a waste of time? All of the time I spent with her... Was it worth it?[/i]
I answered it almost immediately. It was. If I could go back in time, I'd do it all over again.
I'd tell her I had a crush on her on Facebook, again. I'd kill myself in the P.E. Final and make it to "fight-or-flight", again. I'd pull the many all-nighters that we spent together, again. I'd collide into her in school, again. I'd break my right wrist, again. I'd have it be smashed by a ball, again. I'd become temporarily blind, again. I'd run till my muscles gave out, again... Because if it meant seeing her smile one last time, I'd do it all over again.
Despite all of the pain, she's done enough for me... She has done [b]more[/b] than enough. The 2 years I spent with her... it wasn't about the destination, but the journey. The journey made me more confident. It made me open to speaking to others. It made me have more friends. It made me a better person.
So now, if there is one last thing I can add onto my message to her, it'd be this:
[quote][center]Thank you, Cassidy... for making me stronger than ever before, through a broken heart.[/quote][/center]
[b][i][center]The End[/b][/i][/center]
