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Do you think I was too harsh on my best guy friend? It was his fault that he failed his class. (Please read) [I Need Advice]

Poll - Total Votes: 11
You’re right. He needs to study better
You were being rude
He can take it again
I don’t know
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You can only vote on one answer.
My guy best friend looked very upset and hurt and I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t pass his geography class. She said he doesn’t understand, he studied, did the work, asked for help and he still didn’t pass.
We went from an 88 all the way to 59%
He go an 88 in the beginning. I asked how did that happened. He said he got a bad grade on his final and he said he worked really hard and remembered what he studied and still failed the class. He doesn’t know how to tell his parents.
I was like, “How did you even go from 88 to 59? You were doing so well. Maybe you just didn’t work hard enough and didn’t ask for more help. You’re very smart so how can you get an F in the class? It’s your fault that you didn’t ask for help and didn’t work hard enough.” He said, “I did ask for help. All the help I needed and a study buddy. Why did you think I was always studying? I remember some of the steps we did. Geography is a challenging class.” I said, “But you still failed. So disappointed. It’s still your fault for failing. You should of asked more people for help but you didn’t take it and now you’re a failure.”
He got upset with me and told me, “Wow Layla, that was cold. When you decide to not be a jerk, you know my number.” And he hung up on me. How was I being a jerk? I was telling him the truth. Isn’t that what friends do?
SW-User
Uh, yeah. You were being a jerk. People are allowed to be upset about things, and you don't know what was going on in his life that could have prevented him from doing well. Sometimes even if you're smart and try your best, there are still things that can happen that'll fuck your grade up. A midterm or final can make up 50% of your grade. If you mess it up, you can fail a class.

Either way, he's supposed to be your friend and you're supposed to support him when he's feeling down, and you didn't. You attacked him and blamed everything on him.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@SW-User Wow....you really think I’m a jerk? I was telling him the truth. That’s what best friends do. This was an hour ago and he won’t respond. I tried texting him 20 minutes ago
SW-User
@LaylaTheTallGirl That isn't the truth. That's just your assumptions about how hard he worked and the blame you feel like placing on him. It isn't a reflection of reality.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@SW-User Well I’m trying to get him to respond but he won’t text me back. I didn’t mean to hurt him but still.
33person · 26-30, M
I had to read this a few times to form my opinion. I think you're right that he needed to work harder. I don't think telling him he's pathetic will help him, though. I think there are better ways, even if he IS pathetic.

Instead, I might have approached it this way: "You went from an 88 to a 59? Did you have any feelings before this exam that you weren't ready for it? How did you prepare for this exam?" And then after he answers, you can be blunt by saying, "Well, unfortunately, these techniques weren't effective for you. I want to be real with you since you're my friend. You're gonna have to be more strategic and careful in preparing for exams in the future so that something like this doesn't happen again." And offer suggestions.

I think it's possible to be real with people and also believe in redemption and toe help them to redeem themselves. If he is your friend, simply telling him he's pathetic and a failure will never inspire him to work harder. You want to encourage him, not discourage him.

So, in my opinion, you should apologize to him and see how you can push him to be his best self. And yes, do push him to be his best self, but do it in a kind way, an inspirational way. Think about what would actually inspire you to do better.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@33person yeah you do have a point. I don’t understand why people are calling me out for being a jerk. I was telling the truth. He said he stayed up late to focus on his studies and practiced but I told him it wasn’t good enough and he should have done better. How can he gone from 88 to 59. In one month. Pathetic
33person · 26-30, M
@LaylaTheTallGirl Maybe frame it as, "I know you can do better in the future. I don't want to hear the reasons why you can't." Focus on the future. Don't attack him too much because attacking him might lead him to believe you think he is incapable of improving.
Send him a very nice text message that you're sorry that he's feeling hurt about what you said, and you really would like to stay friends.
Then, don't text again for maybe a few days or a week; give him some time to calm down.

The thing about his failing is we really don't know the whole story.
Although he did ask for help, he doesn't say whether he received it.
Let's choose to believe him (give him "the benefit of the doubt") - he probably really did study hard. And probably, if he has done well in the past, then he is not dumb. So something else might have happened - some kind of mistake perhaps.
Who knows. Maybe he stayed up so late studying that he was too tired and unable to concentrate; maybe he misunderstood key words in the questions.
Maybe he accidentally missed a few questions.

The best thing he could do would be to ask to see the marked exam paper and actually see what questions were marked right or wrong. Then he could make an appointment to see the teacher to discuss it together. Perhaps you could even suggest this to him.

There is one big advantage in failing, and that is learning how to overcome failure.
It helps to build resilience in later life.
Kids who don't sometimes fail when young don't get the chance to learn this, and can have terrible reactions when much later, life throws them a hard ball.
@LaylaTheTallGirl Please try not to jump to conclusions.

Here's an example of how an exam can go wrong.

I test in the top 0.3% in language skills. That means that only 3 in 1000 people have equal or better vocabulary, grammar, accuracy of expression and potential for creativity in language than I do.
Yet recently I took a grammar test for a job in editing and only scored 85%.
When I looked at the marked test, I discovered that I'd missed two questions, and that the marker had got one question wrong. I double checked with the Oxford online grammar and found that my answer had been correct - but to be fair, it was a deliberately tricky question and a very fine point. Many people would have got it wrong.

Although it is always disappointing to make mistakes and get things wrong, all of us do from time to time. It's natural and normal.

The important thing is how we deal with a failure, how we learn from it.

It is not helpful to say, "I (he/she) must be stupid because this failure proves it."
This kind of thinking leads to low self-esteem and low confidence. It's a harmful way to think.

Rather, it's better to say, "I messed up this time. These were the mistakes I made, and this (name the causes, what went wrong) is how I made them. In future, I will do this (name the strategy) in order to do better."
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@hartfire Ooh. Well I didn’t say he was stupid it’s still his fault. I mean yes we do fail but he was at an 88
@LaylaTheTallGirl Yes. I do remember that you previously said he was an 88.
The word "fault" indicates placing the responsibility or blame on someone.
In life, it is always beneficial if we can honestly see where our own responsibility is, the limits where it starts and ends.
But it is not helpful to relationships to blame or accuse others of being at fault.
Do you remember how he said he had asked for coaching help? He asked again and again - which suggests that no one granted his request, he never received the help. It means that he knew, despite all his efforts and time spent studying, that something wasn't right. There has to be an explanation for why he was suddenly experiencing such difficulties with his studies, especially when it's clear that he was highly motivated to study and do well.

Here's a list of possible explanations (not a complete list):
- He's been staying up late at night on his phone or computer. He's so sleep deprived that during the day his mind works at 5-10 IQ points below his norm.
This might seem like a fault, but the behaviour is addictive and very difficult to change without a forced intervention.
- He has started taking cocaine or speed to help him study, and the addiction has reached a point where his mind works less well, not better.
- He has fallen in love, and is continually distracted by thoughts of his belovéd.
- There is some kind of serious trouble in his family and he is worried, distracted or traumatised. If there is, he may feel too ashamed to talk about it.
- He is developing some kind of neurological problem (a physical disease of the brain) and it is affecting his ability to store and process information.

All of these things could mean that despite his best efforts, he achieves less well than he has in the past.

If he can't get help from his geology teacher, he would do well to see a school psychologist.
SW-User
You were being a jerk for sure. And what you said couldn't be further from the truth. Many people work their asses off and still get shitty test scores. You were being more of a presumptuous bitch than being a true friend to him. I'm surprised you guys are even "best friends". Here's a reality check for you, there will be times in life when trying your best is still not good enough. You will learn that the hard way, princess.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@SW-User Since you called me a bitch I’m going to call you one because you make me feel like crap.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@hartfire Thank you!!! Thank you for understanding me. Nobody gets it at all
@LaylaTheTallGirl That's usually because most people probably haven't read your other posts.

Maybe you could add a little sentence to each of your posts such as "(I'm on the autism spectrum and I need help to understand other people's feelings and behaviours and how I can respond.)"

This still might not help because many people don't know what autism is.
Also, the change in definitions has only happened fairly recently. Not long ago, your condition would have been called Aspergers. Some people may not know about the change. And far too many people don't bother to look things up when they don't know something.

The reality is that human relationships are very complex and it does take time and effort to learn how to relate well with others. We never stop learning.

In previous posts with you, I shared about the importance of honesty.
I said that a true friend is honest.
Well there is also another aspect to that.
A friend usually tries as much as possible to be honest in a gentle and kind way.
There are many ways of doing this.
It [i]might[/i] include:
- Not saying something that might be unpleasant to hear unless asked for an opinion
- Choosing softer words
- Asking questions to find out what was going on, or how the friend feels, or why the friend thinks a certain way
- Just listening, and if the friend is feeling upset about something, maybe reflect back to them something like, "yeah, I can see that's really tough for you right now." If someone has had a bad experience or failed at something, sometimes all they need is a sympathetic listener, and then some time to recover and learn from their experience.

In the case of your ex-friend who couldn't stand you modelling clothes in the fashion show because of animal rights issues, she was being honest, but she was not kind. And she really had become so caught up in her own ideas that she had lost all thought of consideration for you. This can happen when people become fanatical about something. Their fanaticism causes them to feel so angry about something that they forget about the feelings of others. In her case, she had come to believe that the welfare of innocent and helpless animals was far more important than the feelings of humans. There's a certain kind of irony in that, because humans are animals too. But she would say humans are smarter, more powerful, and capable of ethics, and therefore should be told what ethics they should live by. Your friend may have been a new convert to the cause of animal rights and very unskillful in activist arguments and techniques. It's also possible, given the extreme nature of her responses, that she might have some kind of mental disorder.

In the case of your friend who failed his exam, he was in a state of shock, disappointment, and perhaps despair. He needs comforting.
We really cannot assume that we know the reason why he failed.
But in time, when he has recovered from his disappointment, he may be able to get some help to discover what went wrong. He might be able to get help with his studies, re-sit the exam and pass.

Every situation is different. So, in friendships, we have to find a balance between honesty and kindness. It is possible to be both at the same time, but this is a fine art that takes time and practise to learn.

You will achieve it eventually, I believe, because you are constantly asking questions and doing your best to try to understand.

BTW, you're welcome to friend me if you like.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@LaylaTheTallGirl "...and now you're a failure," was over the line. Also, he already felt bad about it and probably needed some support.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
ok ok god!!! @MyLegGuy2020
Ur so mean! But I guess that’s what
friends are supposed to be. @LaylaTheTallGirl
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@MyLegGuy2020 ok ok I’m sorry I’ll help I’ll help
SW-User
I studied loads and I still didn’t get good grades on subjects like maths and English and geography , it’s not always from a lack of studying and I always asked for help In class. I even went to catch up sessions and stayed behind to ask questions about my work. I only got good grades in science and surprisingly I got good grades in religious education which I hated but for some reason my teacher said I was very good at it. It hurts when you fail at something , as his friend I think you should Offer to help him study. My best friend was a B student in all of her subjects and she helped me study.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@SW-User How would I help? I don’t know anything about geography. Plus it’s his fault I told him the truth but he got angry
Yes, he should've studied harder but people fail tests it happens. You should've have made him feel bad like that because then he'll feel worse.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@MyLegGuy2020 Well I wasn’t trying to make him feel worse, I’m telling him because it’s the truth. Tough love. Best friends tell the truth and he was being pathetic.
SinlessOnslaught · 26-30, M
How do you know he didn’t ask for enough help or work hard enough?
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@33person So you’re not mad at me for posting this? Yeah I guess I see what you mean. I tried to apologize to him but he won’t respond after I called him pathetic this morning. Best friends don’t sugarcoat stuff to each other. We say the ugly blunt truth in each other’s faces!
33person · 26-30, M
@LaylaTheTallGirl No, I'm not mad at you for posting this. You posted it because you wanted feedback. If you thought what you did was perfect, you wouldn't have posted this. Best friends say the ugly truth, but you need to focus on the fact that you believe he can do better, not on calling him a failure or pathetic. It may take him some time before he is ready to talk to you again because he is hurt. You can feel free to message me any time to discuss this or anything you need help sorting out.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@33person Okay. Yeah I guess I went too far on calling him pathetic and a failure but it is his fault. He should of asked for help. Well more help but it’s his fault! Also thank you
QuietEd2019 · 31-35, M
maybe the way you went about it was a bit harsh I mean the guy tried to get as much help as he could studies hard maybe just the day did not go as planned
QuietEd2019 · 31-35, M
@LaylaTheTallGirl it’s not awful almost 60% it’s unfortunate
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@QuietEd2019 He was at 88 like three weeks ago! He said he worked very hard and I said well it doesn’t look like he did.
QuietEd2019 · 31-35, M
@LaylaTheTallGirl yes but looking like based on results and working hard might have had parts studied that didn’t come up etc
Hi SweetiePieLay. I sent you a private message about a day ago. Do tou think you could read it? I need advice on something. Thanks
@LaylaTheTallGirl Sorry about that.
Could you private message me and tell me what do you think of it?
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@MyLegGuy2020 fine I will later but I’m trying to handle a problem I have with my friend! Hey do you think you can help?
Sure! I'm sorry if i'm bothering you with my problem its just that I've been going through a huge problem but we'll talk about it later its fine.

As for your problem, I think it wasn't nice to be mean to him, since you're his best friend you should be there for him. Be positive and tell him that he'll do better. Maybe help him with school work
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
Criticizing your friend for not getting on top of his studies is one thing, but calling HIM "a failure" for it was over the line. No one is a failure because they messed up one class. He needed to face the truth but he didn't need a total put-down over it.
LaylaTheTallGirl · 18-21, F
@greenmountaingal I WAS telling him the truth!!! It told him it was his fault for not trying hard enough and not asking for help! He said he did ask for the help. He said, “I did ask for help and went through stuffy sessions. Why did you think I didn’t join you guys on video chat all the time? Because I needed to focus.” Then I said, “Yeah but you still should have worked harder. You were on an 88 and now you got down to 59? I mean what happened? I told you but you didn’t ask for the help from others so that’s on you!” See what that so harsh of what I said? Like you said, he needed to face the truth and I gave it to him! I’m not coddling him.

 
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