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Life has been so cruel for the last 20 years that I don't think all the good in the World could make me happy

Like when you miss nearly all of your TV show if you only get to watch the last five minutes it will just upset you more- that times infinity.

When I have nice food or someone's nice to me it just hurts more because all the pain up to that moment is just so not worth it.
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SW-User
I'm sorry you're experiencing this kind of hurt and sadness.