... I was really close to ending it today... the possibility was at its highest... and may even still.. I didnt even want to let anyone know. I took the lights out, while I'd been cooking my last meal. I am drowning in my own depression. I really dont want to keep going. I cant do this anymore on my own. I really cant. Or maybe I just dont want to anymore. It's not like I have anyone to turn to for real. My mind has reached its limit. I dont want to go to the hospital, to have everything I worked for destroyed and taken away. But I dont want to keep going either. So I rather not say anything to anyone. I'm terrified. But I really dont want anyone to know how I feel or what i do to myself. I dont know how to keep going. I dont know how to be happy. The thoughts get stronger each day. It becomes mind controlling. I'm really upset because I didnt want it to happen so soon. It keeps reminding me that it will happen. There is nothing I can do about it. It's my fate. I was hoping to live at least til next year, but if this doesnt mentally stop, I know I wont be strong enough to keep going.
I hope you decide to get help. I only know tangents and I can't be any real help, but I hope you get to where you need to be. even if it's a path you don't like through a hospital. something occurred to me as I was stacking stones today... it can be kinda a meditation sorta thing. (or it was for me, anyway)
[image deleted] to be able to get something stable, something that you want, something impressive, something that you want others to appreciate as well, you can't be afraid to take down everything that you currently have and start all over again. sometimes you just have to restart completely.
Emily you are so sweet and have so much to love for. Your videos make me laugh, especially that baby talk "can't say fucking asshole"lol, I must have watched that thirty times. Seriously you seem like a great person with a terrific sense of humor.. and you definitely have skills in editing. Reach out if you need someone to talk to.
Call someone and talk to them. You have way to much to live for. You know that these feelings will pass and you will get better eventually and you are going to be glad that you fought.
Fight the bad feelings Scarlet, I know that’s easier said than done. Sometimes it seems like the bad is all there is, like nothing can ever take the place of the emptiness and hurt. But eventually it will, never as fast as you wish and sometimes so slowly you don’t even realize it, but it will. Please be strong, please fight it
You said it all for me.. Ive been thinking about ending it too latley.. and there isnt anyhting for me. You said how i feel because ive been feeling similar lately. Only difference is I dont ever let anyone know when i feel down ever because i get ambarassed and idc if nobody knows. But i can tell you. Though I hope you feel better.
Emily, you're not alone. People care about you but you do need professional help to get through these dark days. I can't begin to imagine what impact your mother's death must have had on you...... Don't give up. xx
