Why is it taking me so long to recover from a hangover?

It's the alcohol. Sorry to state the obvious. You did some mild damage to some vital organs and it'll take a little time to recover. Again stating the obvious: you did the crime, now you have to do the time.

Find some Gatorade and a couch. We've been there before and there's no real cure except time.

I had that after my Christmas party...
I wasn't right on the Monday or Tuesday after the Saturday party! A lot of sleep and rest!
A nice hot shower after resting and hibernate!

must have been a good sesh

don't driiiiiink?