I Argue With Myself

It's the only way I can get myself to obey...

Whenever I get a thought or feeling that could potentially bring me harm, I give myself so much shit over it that I eventually give in and stop. And I really put up a good fight sometimes. I bring up reasons and excuses as a means of justifying my thoughts and behaviors. I try to cling to them as a child would cling to a lie when confronted by their parents. But I know myself too well to believe a word of it. And I persist with this strange self-discipline of mine. Knowing that, without it, I would have allowed myself to be broken by this world a long time ago.

Sometimes these arguments go on for long, and if I get upset or frustrated enough, I would literally yell at myself like some type of lunatic. But it helps. In the depths of my despair I am the only person who can get through to me anyway. And I will listen to my better judgement eventually, no matter how much of a fight I put up before hand... because I know that if I don't, I will lecture and torment myself over it for months to come. And hating myself like that for not taking my own advice is far more intolerable than constantly being at odds with myself. Sometimes it's just better to give in and trust that I have my best interests at heart. Whether I want to or not.