I Admire Honesty And Sincerity
My Bitter Sweet Crucible
This story is similar to another story I wrote in another group. I started editing the story, with the the intention of simply adding a few paragraph breaks to make it more readable. I had no idea the story would evolve to such a different place! I wanted to capture that evolution and honor the progress I have made in my healing process. So I left the original story as it was first written and decided to allow my new creation to have it's own separate existence....
There is nothing worse than the feeling of being blindsided by betrayal...
This feeling starts in the pit of my stomach, almost like butterflies flying around in a panic. Or Thumper, the rabbit from the movie Bambi as he stomps the ground alerting the forest to impending danger!
It hits me hard, and it hits me so fast that I lose the breath in my body, causing an inescapable dizziness that consumes my entire consciousness. I become enthralled by a fierce panic which acts as a catalyst, speeding up the intensity of the visceral thumping in my stomach, to a speed so fast that the individual thumps all roll into one and become a ceaseless, incapacitating thunder. Which continues to roll even faster, till it becomes a solid, vibrating ball of unstable energy.
This is when it starts to spread... As it grows bigger, I fight with everything I can to stay calm, which only worsens the situation. Like struggling to get out of a quicksand trap... The harder you fight to get out, the faster you sink.
My whole existence is shattered, broken into pieces so small, the fragments become a lumpy pile of dust.
As I sit, imprisoned in a narcissistic sociopath's snow globe, I realize that i have forgotten to breathe this whole time! I try to take a deep breath, but I don't seem to be drawing in any oxygen. It feels like my breath is being sucked out of me completely and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I start to get dizzy but the more I try to focus on things, the more confused I get... I can't breathe... I'm so dizzy I can't see, and my chest is starting to ache. My intuition tells me that I need to know which way is up and which way is down, because my instinctual deduction is that I must be drowning.
I am fighting with myself in my own head, trying to prove to myself what it is that I need to be doing, while at the same time refuting it. I rack my brain frantically trying to figure out what it is that I need to do, what process I need to take in order to get oxygen into my lungs. Only I haven't the foggiest clue as to what oxygen is or whether I even have lungs anymore.
This is the point at which, I begin to show on the outside, what I am feeling on the inside...
I look at the floor because the more things I see, the more confused I get. I start softly moaning the word no... Softly repeating it, over and over, almost pleading with this new reality to turn it into fiction.
Then I start to run both of my hands through my hair but I stop and rest them on top of my head, with strands of my hair left between my fingers, keeping it out of my face as I hang my head.
By this time I have already started shaking, and as the shaking gains intensity, my knees buckle and I crumple down onto the floor. Although it isn't very far to fall when you start in a standing position and end down in a seated one, to me, it feels like I have plummeted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
As my soft pleading gets progressively louder and more agitated, I try to calm it down by gripping the strands of hair more tightly between my fingers. I curl up into a ball with my face tucked in to the middle.
It is like a fire drill you have in school as a little kid. You practice once a month in preparation, but when the time comes, and there really is a fire... Panic throws everything right out the window and assumes control.
After panic abandons ship, habit takes the wheel and begins to steer, systematically shutting down all of my senses. Sight, sound, taste and touch, are all rendered inaccessible.
Finally, habit remembers how to get oxygen into my lungs and as I regulate my breathing I begin to calm down. I start to slowly rock back and forth as I come to the realization that I have this huge pile-up of thoughts that I had been thinking this entire time but didn't know I was thinking.
Instantly, they have meaning.. I don't realize that it happens... one minute they are nonexistent, then I turn around and there they are racing all around me.
As they pass through my mind, I reach out and try to grab them. I try to pull out the most pertinent information first, and begin to arrange the pieces together in any order that makes even the slightest sense. Even after I comprehend their meaning, I still break them up and dissect them further.
It is the timeline that usually hits me the hardest... Seeing the events in chronological order is what I identify with the most because then I am able to see how I fit into the picture, the fact that this reality belongs to ME can no longer be denied.
These overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and betrayal envelope me and that is when I frantically rummage around for a way out.
As my captor watched these events unfold, all I could FEEL was HIS pain. Even though I was not consciously aware of it, my soul felt it the whole time!
Our souls were not just connected, they were integrated in a higher dimension. Merged together in a place where evolution has progressed to a level that has not yet been even dreamt of in this reality.
I know how painful it was for him to know that HE was responsible for the trauma he was watching me go through, because I felt it with him as he felt it.
It has been difficult for me to come to this realization (and even more difficult to accept) that somewhere deep down inside me... In some sick twisted way, I actually enjoyed this whole agonizing chain of events! Because that pain is how I felt the deepest love possible!
This story is similar to another story I wrote in another group. I started editing the story, with the the intention of simply adding a few paragraph breaks to make it more readable. I had no idea the story would evolve to such a different place! I wanted to capture that evolution and honor the progress I have made in my healing process. So I left the original story as it was first written and decided to allow my new creation to have it's own separate existence....
There is nothing worse than the feeling of being blindsided by betrayal...
This feeling starts in the pit of my stomach, almost like butterflies flying around in a panic. Or Thumper, the rabbit from the movie Bambi as he stomps the ground alerting the forest to impending danger!
It hits me hard, and it hits me so fast that I lose the breath in my body, causing an inescapable dizziness that consumes my entire consciousness. I become enthralled by a fierce panic which acts as a catalyst, speeding up the intensity of the visceral thumping in my stomach, to a speed so fast that the individual thumps all roll into one and become a ceaseless, incapacitating thunder. Which continues to roll even faster, till it becomes a solid, vibrating ball of unstable energy.
This is when it starts to spread... As it grows bigger, I fight with everything I can to stay calm, which only worsens the situation. Like struggling to get out of a quicksand trap... The harder you fight to get out, the faster you sink.
My whole existence is shattered, broken into pieces so small, the fragments become a lumpy pile of dust.
As I sit, imprisoned in a narcissistic sociopath's snow globe, I realize that i have forgotten to breathe this whole time! I try to take a deep breath, but I don't seem to be drawing in any oxygen. It feels like my breath is being sucked out of me completely and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I start to get dizzy but the more I try to focus on things, the more confused I get... I can't breathe... I'm so dizzy I can't see, and my chest is starting to ache. My intuition tells me that I need to know which way is up and which way is down, because my instinctual deduction is that I must be drowning.
I am fighting with myself in my own head, trying to prove to myself what it is that I need to be doing, while at the same time refuting it. I rack my brain frantically trying to figure out what it is that I need to do, what process I need to take in order to get oxygen into my lungs. Only I haven't the foggiest clue as to what oxygen is or whether I even have lungs anymore.
This is the point at which, I begin to show on the outside, what I am feeling on the inside...
I look at the floor because the more things I see, the more confused I get. I start softly moaning the word no... Softly repeating it, over and over, almost pleading with this new reality to turn it into fiction.
Then I start to run both of my hands through my hair but I stop and rest them on top of my head, with strands of my hair left between my fingers, keeping it out of my face as I hang my head.
By this time I have already started shaking, and as the shaking gains intensity, my knees buckle and I crumple down onto the floor. Although it isn't very far to fall when you start in a standing position and end down in a seated one, to me, it feels like I have plummeted off the Golden Gate Bridge.
As my soft pleading gets progressively louder and more agitated, I try to calm it down by gripping the strands of hair more tightly between my fingers. I curl up into a ball with my face tucked in to the middle.
It is like a fire drill you have in school as a little kid. You practice once a month in preparation, but when the time comes, and there really is a fire... Panic throws everything right out the window and assumes control.
After panic abandons ship, habit takes the wheel and begins to steer, systematically shutting down all of my senses. Sight, sound, taste and touch, are all rendered inaccessible.
Finally, habit remembers how to get oxygen into my lungs and as I regulate my breathing I begin to calm down. I start to slowly rock back and forth as I come to the realization that I have this huge pile-up of thoughts that I had been thinking this entire time but didn't know I was thinking.
Instantly, they have meaning.. I don't realize that it happens... one minute they are nonexistent, then I turn around and there they are racing all around me.
As they pass through my mind, I reach out and try to grab them. I try to pull out the most pertinent information first, and begin to arrange the pieces together in any order that makes even the slightest sense. Even after I comprehend their meaning, I still break them up and dissect them further.
It is the timeline that usually hits me the hardest... Seeing the events in chronological order is what I identify with the most because then I am able to see how I fit into the picture, the fact that this reality belongs to ME can no longer be denied.
These overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and betrayal envelope me and that is when I frantically rummage around for a way out.
As my captor watched these events unfold, all I could FEEL was HIS pain. Even though I was not consciously aware of it, my soul felt it the whole time!
Our souls were not just connected, they were integrated in a higher dimension. Merged together in a place where evolution has progressed to a level that has not yet been even dreamt of in this reality.
I know how painful it was for him to know that HE was responsible for the trauma he was watching me go through, because I felt it with him as he felt it.
It has been difficult for me to come to this realization (and even more difficult to accept) that somewhere deep down inside me... In some sick twisted way, I actually enjoyed this whole agonizing chain of events! Because that pain is how I felt the deepest love possible!
41-45, F
