This post is to clear things up and provide closure for myself. [I Lost Someone To Suicide]
Names need not be mentioned. If someone wants their name associated with this, they're free to step forth.
When I was a teenager I met a woman on EP. This woman became like a big sister to me and we started talking on other platforms. We talked for years and became very close.
Eventually, she revealed to me that she was going to commit suicide. She had a specific date in mind.
Finally, we had a falling out and she blocked all contact with me.
Distraught, I came here (EP had shut down) and made a post making some sort of enquiry about honoring her death. In the post, I mentioned that the date was years away; but I was upset and feared that she had already done it.
Two users chimed in and called me "fucked up" for assuming she committed suicide.
Seriously? This person whom I loved—who relieved my depression and acted like the big sister I greatly needed but never had—talked endlessly about suicide & misery and then disappeared. Do you think [b]maybe[/b] that put me in a bad spot, mentally? Do you think [b]maybe[/b] it scared and upset me? Can you really blame me for expecting the worst? I came to this community in a time of vulnerability and they attacked and demonized me and told me what I should think.
I admit my response wasn't ideal. I lashed out and insulted both of them. I even went on another post and mentioned their names in an insulting way; at which point, about 40 users all dogpiled me and attacked me without even knowing what happened.
This was a traumatic experience for me. I cannot think about this woman I loved without also thinking about the way I was treated like shit by this community. Her memory is tainted by her misery. Her planned suicide and these awful people who rubbed salt in the wound and then blamed me for lashing back in my time of need, tainted it even further.
Today, I don't know if she's dead or not. It's entirely possible that she decided to go through with her plan. It's also entirely possible that her life is better now and she changed her mind. I don't know. Either way, she's dead to me. Not in that I no longer love her or hope the best for her but in that she refuses to have any kind of contact with me and I have no way of knowing where she is or how she is. I'm completely in the dark. And I'm done with it. I had my limited-time opportunity to love her and I did love her. It's over.
No one on here is going to tell me what to think or how to feel. You can call me "fucked up" for my interpretation of all this but you don't know me. You don't know how my mind works or how I cope with things. I'm sorry I lashed back at those two users but I also forgive myself because I was in a broken down state and they antagonized me.
I'm also hoping to forgive them and their 40-or-so crusaders for treating me like shit in a situation where [big]I[/big] carried all the weight. I'm hoping to forgive them so that they no longer overshadow my memory of this poor lady, and so that I can [big]get them out of my FUCKING MIND.[/big]
When I was a teenager I met a woman on EP. This woman became like a big sister to me and we started talking on other platforms. We talked for years and became very close.
Eventually, she revealed to me that she was going to commit suicide. She had a specific date in mind.
Finally, we had a falling out and she blocked all contact with me.
Distraught, I came here (EP had shut down) and made a post making some sort of enquiry about honoring her death. In the post, I mentioned that the date was years away; but I was upset and feared that she had already done it.
Two users chimed in and called me "fucked up" for assuming she committed suicide.
Seriously? This person whom I loved—who relieved my depression and acted like the big sister I greatly needed but never had—talked endlessly about suicide & misery and then disappeared. Do you think [b]maybe[/b] that put me in a bad spot, mentally? Do you think [b]maybe[/b] it scared and upset me? Can you really blame me for expecting the worst? I came to this community in a time of vulnerability and they attacked and demonized me and told me what I should think.
I admit my response wasn't ideal. I lashed out and insulted both of them. I even went on another post and mentioned their names in an insulting way; at which point, about 40 users all dogpiled me and attacked me without even knowing what happened.
This was a traumatic experience for me. I cannot think about this woman I loved without also thinking about the way I was treated like shit by this community. Her memory is tainted by her misery. Her planned suicide and these awful people who rubbed salt in the wound and then blamed me for lashing back in my time of need, tainted it even further.
Today, I don't know if she's dead or not. It's entirely possible that she decided to go through with her plan. It's also entirely possible that her life is better now and she changed her mind. I don't know. Either way, she's dead to me. Not in that I no longer love her or hope the best for her but in that she refuses to have any kind of contact with me and I have no way of knowing where she is or how she is. I'm completely in the dark. And I'm done with it. I had my limited-time opportunity to love her and I did love her. It's over.
No one on here is going to tell me what to think or how to feel. You can call me "fucked up" for my interpretation of all this but you don't know me. You don't know how my mind works or how I cope with things. I'm sorry I lashed back at those two users but I also forgive myself because I was in a broken down state and they antagonized me.
I'm also hoping to forgive them and their 40-or-so crusaders for treating me like shit in a situation where [big]I[/big] carried all the weight. I'm hoping to forgive them so that they no longer overshadow my memory of this poor lady, and so that I can [big]get them out of my FUCKING MIND.[/big]
26-30, M
