How do you prepare yourself for your parents death? How do you do it? Seriously, how does one...

SW-User

I lost my parents within a year of each other.

Even though my mom had advance lung disease, my sister and I never comprehended what that meant. Or we ignored it. I remember being in the ER during my mom’s last stay and the doctor said: “Your mom is in the end stage of Advanced Lung Disease. End stage.”

When he repeated “end stage,” I knew he could tell by the looks on my sister and my face that we still were not “getting it.” We were losing our mom.

I don’t know what to tell you. My dad passed so quickly and we didn’t do it right for my mom.

If I could go back... I would have pulled my mom away from her routine. She would pull up shows on the TiVo (DVR) and we would watch her recordings of Jimmy or Letterman. To be honest... it’s what her and dad did a lot.

I wished I would have put her pictures on a device and gone through some of them with her. I learned so much about her by calling her friends when she died. I wish I would have heard it from her. I wish I would have asked her about her story more.

I’m sorry you are going through this. None of us exactly go through the same thing but I have been through something close.

I don’t think I did it right. I have regrets. I miss them terribly.

You can’t avoid any of those feelings. All you can do is give them the time and love they deserve.

Take care.

VodkaBec · 31-35, F

Yes I don’t think we can appreciate how others feel until it happens to us. And I don’t think you’re being selfish, it’s to be expected to wonder how that void is going to be filled. The closer we are to those we love, on doubt the bigger the void.

Other than making them as comfortable as they can be, I think it’s incredibly important to give them positive emotional support. Generally speaking I think a parents biggest legacy is there kids. No doubt it would mean a lot to them knowing first and foremost that they are happy. I know my parents used to worry constantly if they thought me or my sister weren’t happy, and more so after we left home.

I remember my mum saying there would be nothing worse than taking burdens to the grave. So if there’s any of those you can relieve them of, I think that would help you and them enormously.

For what it’s worth a good friend of ours lost both his parents due to illness before he turned sixteen, he was left on his own to survive. He told us that the worse thing was there was so much that needed to be said and it didn’t happen, no closure. It made him feel very guilty and angry for many years.

No doubt our relationship with our parents would play a huge role in the situation. I think if one genuinely love’s their parents and comfortable with the discussion they make regarding these situations, it will work out as well as can expected. Anyway that’s as much as I can offer, I hope it makes some sense to you.

SW-User

You've been incredibly lucky to keep your parents so long.

Can you ever prepare? My dad died in 1984 very suddenly with no real warning. My mum passed away in 2006 after a short battle with a terminal lymphoma.

With dad there was no preparation time. He was fine Friday night and dead 8am the next morning. My mum we knew for 2 years she was ill for just over a year that it was incurable. But then she fell one day and went into hospital. She never came out and went a couple of weeks later.

Treasure the time you have no matter what.

RubySoo · 56-60, F

It doesn't really matter how much you prepare....you are NEVER ready.
I lost my dad very suddenly when i was 21. He was just gone.....a fit healthy man. A stroke....gone. we were all in shock. I missed him more than i could possibly know. It hit me hard throughout my life. He wasnt there to give me away when i married, my kids were robbed of their grandad.....and other milestone events.
My mum died aged 83. She had dementia and we watched her deteriorate and there were days she didnt know us. My sister looked after her...shed always said no homes.....and she wanted to die in her own bed. In the end....we were as ready as we could be. Mum collapsed at home and the paramedics came and told my sister it wouldnt be long and gave her a choice. The said they could take her to hospital or make her comfy in her own bed....so they tucked her up and we just waited really. She drifted in and out of consciousness for three days. We got to sit and talk to her at least. She feel asleep 2 days later.
We counted ourselves very fortunate it happened as it did .... the way she wanted it.

I guess if you have time to prepare in anyway at all...liked we did for our mum you are lucky. If its unexpected...the shock is dreadful.
Its coping with the feelings of life without them and missing them forever that always hurts.

Thinking of you. X

Cantsayno · 56-60, M

So I just lost my wife to cancer last January.
While she fought for the last 3 years. I tried to focus on enjoying her while she was still here.
I didn’t prepare myself for her death because I believed that I couldn’t. I knew the day would come but I didn’t want to ruin what time we had left together.
That’s just me. We are all different.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

Sometimes you just can't prepare! Sometimes you just loose it.

Thankfully it sounds like you have some family that might care if and when the inevitable does happen.

And if they can't handle it... well I hope you have the strength to help them additionally. I know none of my siblings where there for either our mother nor me! Even though I was the youngest of them all. 😔

I am the only child of my father. So no help there from them either.

After two such very close deaths plus another, I just lost it!

Please note, your siblings just might not be able to handle it, and may behave irrationally. If you love them, take care there!

Don't just let them go off with out at least talking about it with you, even if it's six months later! They may even not know that they are behaving irrationally. Seeming rational is not rational.

All this is an afterthought, after decades of reflections. That's all I can say that "might" help to prepare.

Miram · 31-35, F

It is not a problem when you've already lost them while they're alive.

I don't think anyone can prepare for the death of their loved ones. ❤️

Johnblackthorn · 56-60, M

(((hugs)))
it's a matter of outlook,
our bodies are more than the sum of their parts, there is something else there, we call it our spirit or soul, it's the thing that drives our bodies and gives us life, think of your soul or spirit as you, it's what you are, in this realm you need a body to give you physical presence, but they wear and get old and painful, eventually your body will die, and then your spirit will be free of physical restraints and pain, free to be wherever you want and to see whatever you want because the laws of physics no longer apply to you.
Your parents are at a point where they need this freedom, their spirits will stay with you to guide you through the process of your life if you let them.

SW-User

There's no way you can prepare yourself. I lost both my parents in an accident when I was 17. Thankfully I won't ever have to see them sick and dying.
Just try to make the time that they have left more comfortable for them. Cherish your memories that you have.

UpsideOutInsideDown · 36-40, M

It is an incredibly difficult thing to do. No matter how prepared or forewarned you are, it doesn't make any difference. That hole they leave is still the same size. Just got to take it as it comes, and find whatever best way you can to get from one day to the next, until that life becomes the new normal.

And then there's the really shitty parts where you start to feel normal, and then feel guilty because you let yourself stop feeling sad for a bit. Eventually it all just becomes kind of background. Like, it's always there and always what it is, but life necessitates moving forward

Summerbreeze45 · 46-50, F

I lost my father at 17 and it hurts til this day. He was my rock. My mother is in her last days and although we've never had a good relationship, I'm not ready to see her go. You never are. I wish you 💙

SW-User

My dad died suddenly from a stroke about 7 years ago. It was shocking and sad but I got over it. Mom had alzheimers at the time and she would forget dad had died and everytime we had to tell her again, we watched her cry. It was horrible. She lived 4 years after dad and I kept thinking I wish she would pass away and be with dad again. She was just a shell of her former self. I know it's hard to lose a parent, but it's a part of the life cycle that we all face one day.

Rhodesianman · 56-60, M

I agree I see my mum getting more and more frail by the year .All you can do is be there for them when the time comes and be strong .Fall apart after you have supported the parent that is left .I know its hard believe me but you must do it .It is going to be really hard when my mum goes But I will hold it in till she is gone because if it happens slowly she will need me .I am hoping for her sake it will be quick and hopefully will happen in her sleep so she has no idea when it happens .

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

All any of us are guaranteed is now.
I suppose you just spend as much time together as you can and savour every moment.

Loss is a horrible business.
Made worse if a loved one is losing their faculties before your very eyes.
You watch them slowly slip away.

I guess you just try your best to make each day as special as it can be.
At least that way you content yourself by knowing you did your best for them.
And they'll know it.

redback · 51-55, M

Truth is even when you know its comming your still never ready!

Imstucknow · 41-45, F

Trust me it will be difficult no matter what you do. At least sounds like you’ve accepted that it’s going towards that direction soon and in doing so, you have kind of prepared yourself on what’s to come. I lost both my parents when I was in uni, and still missing them to this day. Enjoy every moment you have with them, and try to make beautiful memories. Sending you hugs 🤗

smiler2012 · 56-60

mamabutterfly well we had no time time to prepare for my dads passing it was sudden in hospital the staff found him and tried to revive him but there mission failed

NankerPhelge · 61-69, M

I didn't really prepare myself for my father's death but it happened and I've had to live with it.

bearinthehalfwayhouse · 26-30, M

Can't really prepare in the sense of..... Uh.. Y'know... Like going to an appointment or doing a lecture or something... Just gotta accept it and somehow move past... Or, hold on until you die, that's something a lot of people do including myself probably. :?

Whiterosesociety

Sooner or later we all find out its harder preparing for our own death, we have all the control this time.

WillH43 · 31-35, M

my mum is dying doctors say only days left