I Need to Vent
Though this is not a vent by any means, the length I will probably ranmble on to will give it an illusion of one.
So let’s get started, why am I writing this? I want to write this as a reference for my future self to see how much I’ve grown. Though usually I would write this in a journal I keep, I am in no mood to write and the information could be useful to some of you.
What the heck am I even writing? I don’t know really. But I also do know. I want to write a bit about my life these past few years and the efforts I have taken to resolve these concerns I’ve had.
So, the past few years can be described with one word: rollercoaster. I’ve had my happiest and saddest moments condensed into a span of just 4 years. Sometimes it feels like a decade ago that I was that typically no life obese gamer who had no friends or purpose in life. Now my life has done a relative 180.. let’s say 130. From making my first friends, to finding a girl that I absolutely loved, to starting my own business, getting hobbies and getting in shape to facing a crippling depression, a severe existential crisis, the grip of death on several loved ones and nearly myself, and finally losing everything.. I mean everything I worked so hard to achieve (except the friends thankfully). The part that scares and excites me is that there is still so much to come. (Or perhaps not)
The losing it all part happened in the last few months of last year. And up until this week I think it would be safe to say that I was in recovery and trying to get my life on track. I lost the girl I loved, the main business I had, my health (fell seriously sick,), a few close friends, and my will to live as well as my faith in God most importantly.
I have pretty much shut myself down and focused on bettering myself and gaining it all back. And the way I’m doing it is by making tiny 1% improvements everyday. Picking one new habit in each area of my life and sticking with it until it sticks and then adding more and more. Everyday is a constant battle against myself to not relapse into that burned out state I was in not even 2 weeks ago.
I can slowly see my dreams of the future returning to more optimistic colors and my faith in the good growing. In fact, in a way I am grateful that all this happened because I know now that I can handle it. People are stronger than they think themselves to be. I wasn’t sure why I was writing something so personal on here, but now I know. There’s a lot of depression posts on here, and on the rise if I can say so. People are losing hope and their selves because of a multitude of reasons. While it wouldn’t surprise me that my situation is on the lighter end of the spectrum than what some of y’all are facing, the lesson I have learned still stands. Life is suffering; and it’s better to make something out of that suffering than to let it consume you. Think of it this way, if you are going to suffer regardless, isn’t it best to make the choice of how you will suffer and in the end make something of yourself that will not only benefit you but also the world? I know it’s hard. I know that it all seems pointless and bleak. But if you quit now, all that potential in you, you’ve betrayed. So if you’re not okay, if you’re not happy with who you aren’t or your life, I’m not going to bullshit you by telling you that you should appreciate who you are. Instead appreciate and honor that potential inside you and strive to be a better person. Give your suffering a purpose and make those sacrifices.
That’s all I wanted to convey through writing this. Don’t give up hope and make the choice to be your best self. Good luck to you all.
So let’s get started, why am I writing this? I want to write this as a reference for my future self to see how much I’ve grown. Though usually I would write this in a journal I keep, I am in no mood to write and the information could be useful to some of you.
What the heck am I even writing? I don’t know really. But I also do know. I want to write a bit about my life these past few years and the efforts I have taken to resolve these concerns I’ve had.
So, the past few years can be described with one word: rollercoaster. I’ve had my happiest and saddest moments condensed into a span of just 4 years. Sometimes it feels like a decade ago that I was that typically no life obese gamer who had no friends or purpose in life. Now my life has done a relative 180.. let’s say 130. From making my first friends, to finding a girl that I absolutely loved, to starting my own business, getting hobbies and getting in shape to facing a crippling depression, a severe existential crisis, the grip of death on several loved ones and nearly myself, and finally losing everything.. I mean everything I worked so hard to achieve (except the friends thankfully). The part that scares and excites me is that there is still so much to come. (Or perhaps not)
The losing it all part happened in the last few months of last year. And up until this week I think it would be safe to say that I was in recovery and trying to get my life on track. I lost the girl I loved, the main business I had, my health (fell seriously sick,), a few close friends, and my will to live as well as my faith in God most importantly.
I have pretty much shut myself down and focused on bettering myself and gaining it all back. And the way I’m doing it is by making tiny 1% improvements everyday. Picking one new habit in each area of my life and sticking with it until it sticks and then adding more and more. Everyday is a constant battle against myself to not relapse into that burned out state I was in not even 2 weeks ago.
I can slowly see my dreams of the future returning to more optimistic colors and my faith in the good growing. In fact, in a way I am grateful that all this happened because I know now that I can handle it. People are stronger than they think themselves to be. I wasn’t sure why I was writing something so personal on here, but now I know. There’s a lot of depression posts on here, and on the rise if I can say so. People are losing hope and their selves because of a multitude of reasons. While it wouldn’t surprise me that my situation is on the lighter end of the spectrum than what some of y’all are facing, the lesson I have learned still stands. Life is suffering; and it’s better to make something out of that suffering than to let it consume you. Think of it this way, if you are going to suffer regardless, isn’t it best to make the choice of how you will suffer and in the end make something of yourself that will not only benefit you but also the world? I know it’s hard. I know that it all seems pointless and bleak. But if you quit now, all that potential in you, you’ve betrayed. So if you’re not okay, if you’re not happy with who you aren’t or your life, I’m not going to bullshit you by telling you that you should appreciate who you are. Instead appreciate and honor that potential inside you and strive to be a better person. Give your suffering a purpose and make those sacrifices.
That’s all I wanted to convey through writing this. Don’t give up hope and make the choice to be your best self. Good luck to you all.
