I Wish My Mind Had A Delete Button
I was a member of my experience project ...and was so sad that it was shut down. It shouldn't have because it was such an incredible outlet for many people to share their deepest thoughts and desires. Anyways, now I m back here hoping that I could share my thoughts again to people of similar worlds.
It's towards the end of the year - looking back, many shits have had happened - worst of all was the end of my relationship with an awful man whom I still like/ love. I hate that I still like him because he was so awful that if I did not know him I would have despised anyone who falls for him. He lied about his marital status, constantly stood me up, flirted with other girls in front of me - worst of all, he never apologized for lying to me, after I have found out the truth. it has been two months but the feeling of hurt and shame has not faded away, even I have done my best to occupy myself with work and healthy habits, such as meditation. Time will heal i m sure - it's not the first time I have gone through something like this and I should be grateful that I have found out early enough but I still wish it had never happened and I could be my old independent happy self before having a relationship with him. I m not the type who often falls for bad guys...back in the days, I had met a Mr. Perfect whom I would still say yes if he proposed to me to this day. Sadly, in reality, having lived 30 years and worked in an industry where meeting men is never difficult, I m certain that good men only account for less than 5% of the male population - and amongst them, maybe only 0.01% would have the right temperament for me to fall in love with. I m so mad at my female friend who said she would consider any unmarried women to have issues that caused them not being able to get married. This is far from the truth! Why would the blame be placed on women, but not men!? I m so sick of this society and I cannot wait to leave and start afresh at somewhere that has an open mind about marriage. this is one of the major reasons for my resignation to my job.
Speaking of my job, I feel that it's more like a prison than a workplace. Every little thing would be scrutinized and there's zero satisfaction even after the project has completed. Another major trigger for my resignation is one of the IPO that I was involved of and the share price just flopped right from the first day of trading... my buy-side client lost more than half of their investments. My reputation is forever tainted and I m so guilt-ridden and m filled with hatred towards my bosses that I cannot go on working anymore as nothing has happened.
the intense stress, self-hate, and regret have brought me to such a dark place ... even after my resignation, which is supposed to give me relief, I still have these emotions. I wish i could just eliminate these memories and start afresh. I have started journaling and keeping a daily goal tracker - I hope that by taking little steps, I will learn to feel accomplished again. It's hard but I will try. just 4 more days before my last day of work at the office. Once I have officially left my current job, I will begin a social media cleanse and focus solely on my developing self-love and creating peace and solidarity around my life, while sharpening my professional skills and training for GMAT. No more relationships, no more expectations for marriage, no more influence from others - my values will now only be determined by how I view myself as a person. Everyday I m keeping a scorecard - for each task I have completed, I will be given a score. This will remind me I m the only person I should be accountable for - other people come and go. I can only serve others properly after I have become whole again.
It's towards the end of the year - looking back, many shits have had happened - worst of all was the end of my relationship with an awful man whom I still like/ love. I hate that I still like him because he was so awful that if I did not know him I would have despised anyone who falls for him. He lied about his marital status, constantly stood me up, flirted with other girls in front of me - worst of all, he never apologized for lying to me, after I have found out the truth. it has been two months but the feeling of hurt and shame has not faded away, even I have done my best to occupy myself with work and healthy habits, such as meditation. Time will heal i m sure - it's not the first time I have gone through something like this and I should be grateful that I have found out early enough but I still wish it had never happened and I could be my old independent happy self before having a relationship with him. I m not the type who often falls for bad guys...back in the days, I had met a Mr. Perfect whom I would still say yes if he proposed to me to this day. Sadly, in reality, having lived 30 years and worked in an industry where meeting men is never difficult, I m certain that good men only account for less than 5% of the male population - and amongst them, maybe only 0.01% would have the right temperament for me to fall in love with. I m so mad at my female friend who said she would consider any unmarried women to have issues that caused them not being able to get married. This is far from the truth! Why would the blame be placed on women, but not men!? I m so sick of this society and I cannot wait to leave and start afresh at somewhere that has an open mind about marriage. this is one of the major reasons for my resignation to my job.
Speaking of my job, I feel that it's more like a prison than a workplace. Every little thing would be scrutinized and there's zero satisfaction even after the project has completed. Another major trigger for my resignation is one of the IPO that I was involved of and the share price just flopped right from the first day of trading... my buy-side client lost more than half of their investments. My reputation is forever tainted and I m so guilt-ridden and m filled with hatred towards my bosses that I cannot go on working anymore as nothing has happened.
the intense stress, self-hate, and regret have brought me to such a dark place ... even after my resignation, which is supposed to give me relief, I still have these emotions. I wish i could just eliminate these memories and start afresh. I have started journaling and keeping a daily goal tracker - I hope that by taking little steps, I will learn to feel accomplished again. It's hard but I will try. just 4 more days before my last day of work at the office. Once I have officially left my current job, I will begin a social media cleanse and focus solely on my developing self-love and creating peace and solidarity around my life, while sharpening my professional skills and training for GMAT. No more relationships, no more expectations for marriage, no more influence from others - my values will now only be determined by how I view myself as a person. Everyday I m keeping a scorecard - for each task I have completed, I will be given a score. This will remind me I m the only person I should be accountable for - other people come and go. I can only serve others properly after I have become whole again.
