I Am Very Selective When It Comes to Letting People Get Close
[b]*long rant*[/b]
The passing of time makes certain things clear... people don't change unless they work on it, really hard. Well, certain aspects always change, obviously. Health, cognitive decline in some people... yeah, well. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw my ex in the mall... that last ex, who dumped me all of a sudden two years ago. Well... a bit of background wouldn't hurt indeed. Right now it looks like this. Early 30s, working full-time in order to afford rent, food and books, studying very hard after work in order to ace the local version of SAT... being very busy, having zero time to invest into relationships, especially given all the... uh, stuff, which I've been at the receiving end of, which created that... "selectiveness", or rather an impenetrable wall between me and the outside world... it feels quite liberating, writing it all down, by the way. All the flaws personality-wise are getting exposed. Anyways. The dumping was indeed unexpected, after signing the contract for a flat which we were intended to move in together. Bailing just like that. The person didn't have the decency to return my stuff remaining in their flat even. "Real life ghosting". Had to move two times after that (another story), change jobs even... all the "security net" social-wise, except one family member who I'm eternally grateful to, got worn thin as well. I made it in the end... was sitting nearby the lake during the pause in my studies and meditating, for hours. With certain... "other tools", let's put it in this way, I managed to find a goal, which I'm working towards. "Sacrificed" all the remaining relationships (except one or two) which only dragged me down, deleted myself from nearly all the social media... and so on, and so on. It's been a while since I talked to anyone except one or two people irl, fair enough. But the point is, I managed to forgive the person. I understand now why people bail like that. It's all about fear. The most powerful emotion we all are wired for. Four years ago... let's put it in this way, I also had certain "enlightening" moments. Not as powerful as during last year though. Anyway, the ex almost ran away when apparently they saw me, the person got scared to death. I was just strolling around in a very relaxed way, this didn't change when I saw the ex. I don't think the ex moved on, at all. I checked (anonymously) on another ex before that one... still there, no changes. Certain former friends... same thing. The biggest lie I used to believe was that people change with time. Well, if one is really burning for self-improvement, anything is possible. But if not... The last person I met irl (from Tinder) almost a year ago, learnt how to relax using breathing only during last autumn. Everyone has their own pace, it's alright, I don't judge per se, but it just reinforced my belief... getting into uni (no age discrimination in my country & in the selected field, or rather it's possible to start anew in the 30s, but later it gets more difficult), moving to another city where no one knows me... there, I am going to start meeting people again. I'll be forced to. But it's like moving between different boxes and fitting in there, the box isn't going to change, it might just fit better. Well, maybe it's just another life lesson learnt, after all. It's, once again, liberating to vent it all away. The culture of my country, by the way... yeah, that all-encompassing Law of Jante. You can't get where you would like to get to without ostracism. And later on, socially, you have to conform to the box of your choice, without popping out. One can function there, hiding own intensity though. Another thing with selectiveness. Can't trust those who are stuck where they are. But, yeah, that's purely local stuff. Maybe the key is just patience. And, fairly anonymous venting about it all.
The passing of time makes certain things clear... people don't change unless they work on it, really hard. Well, certain aspects always change, obviously. Health, cognitive decline in some people... yeah, well. Just a couple of weeks ago I saw my ex in the mall... that last ex, who dumped me all of a sudden two years ago. Well... a bit of background wouldn't hurt indeed. Right now it looks like this. Early 30s, working full-time in order to afford rent, food and books, studying very hard after work in order to ace the local version of SAT... being very busy, having zero time to invest into relationships, especially given all the... uh, stuff, which I've been at the receiving end of, which created that... "selectiveness", or rather an impenetrable wall between me and the outside world... it feels quite liberating, writing it all down, by the way. All the flaws personality-wise are getting exposed. Anyways. The dumping was indeed unexpected, after signing the contract for a flat which we were intended to move in together. Bailing just like that. The person didn't have the decency to return my stuff remaining in their flat even. "Real life ghosting". Had to move two times after that (another story), change jobs even... all the "security net" social-wise, except one family member who I'm eternally grateful to, got worn thin as well. I made it in the end... was sitting nearby the lake during the pause in my studies and meditating, for hours. With certain... "other tools", let's put it in this way, I managed to find a goal, which I'm working towards. "Sacrificed" all the remaining relationships (except one or two) which only dragged me down, deleted myself from nearly all the social media... and so on, and so on. It's been a while since I talked to anyone except one or two people irl, fair enough. But the point is, I managed to forgive the person. I understand now why people bail like that. It's all about fear. The most powerful emotion we all are wired for. Four years ago... let's put it in this way, I also had certain "enlightening" moments. Not as powerful as during last year though. Anyway, the ex almost ran away when apparently they saw me, the person got scared to death. I was just strolling around in a very relaxed way, this didn't change when I saw the ex. I don't think the ex moved on, at all. I checked (anonymously) on another ex before that one... still there, no changes. Certain former friends... same thing. The biggest lie I used to believe was that people change with time. Well, if one is really burning for self-improvement, anything is possible. But if not... The last person I met irl (from Tinder) almost a year ago, learnt how to relax using breathing only during last autumn. Everyone has their own pace, it's alright, I don't judge per se, but it just reinforced my belief... getting into uni (no age discrimination in my country & in the selected field, or rather it's possible to start anew in the 30s, but later it gets more difficult), moving to another city where no one knows me... there, I am going to start meeting people again. I'll be forced to. But it's like moving between different boxes and fitting in there, the box isn't going to change, it might just fit better. Well, maybe it's just another life lesson learnt, after all. It's, once again, liberating to vent it all away. The culture of my country, by the way... yeah, that all-encompassing Law of Jante. You can't get where you would like to get to without ostracism. And later on, socially, you have to conform to the box of your choice, without popping out. One can function there, hiding own intensity though. Another thing with selectiveness. Can't trust those who are stuck where they are. But, yeah, that's purely local stuff. Maybe the key is just patience. And, fairly anonymous venting about it all.
