Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

I Have a Relative With Dementia

Last evening, I took my 91-year-old mother into urgent care. She had fallen and hurt her arm, and we all wanted to make sure she hadn't broken anything. She was also acting confused and disoriented, suggesting that she had some sort of infection.

Until recently, Mom didn't have a lot of trouble moving around. She had to walk with a walker, but she was generally pretty spry. Last night, though, she could barely move.

She also seemed disoriented in other ways. After we got away from the clinic, we went by my house for dinner before taking her back to her assisted living facility. She has been to my house many times over the 10 years. One of the first thing she asked was, "When did you get this house?"

She couldn't find her own way to the bathroom that she has used many, many times, and she couldn't comprehend directions. I had to physically walk her into the bathroom — and then, she didn't seem to understand that she was in a bathroom, although she was standing right in front of the toilet.

My wife and I drove her to her assisted living facility. Once we got there and started to go in, Mom said, "This isn't where I live."

She read the name of the facility from the sign on the outside, but still insisted that this was not where she lived. She has been there for nearly five years.

Inside, she recognized the manager's husband, but not the manager herself.

While we were helping her get ready for bed, Mom insisted that she was going to take her slippers to bed with her. My wife tried to take them away from her, and Mom threw a fit. "Don't you let her take away my shoes," Mom told me.

Recently, the manager told me that Mom had insisted that her mother, my grandmother, was in the room with her. Grandmother died 40 years ago.

This is all very difficult, especially because of everything else that is going on. My wife was recently diagnosed with a cerebral aneurysm. I'm having issues with my health. The institution where I work is having budgetary issues and there is the expectation that there will be layoffs come the new fiscal year this summer. I'm having a difficult time dealing with everything.

I think that Mom needs to go to a skilled nursing facility. The problem with that is that I don't know how we're going to pay for it. Currently, Mom's income consists of Social Security, my dad's military pension and a stipend from the Veteran's Administration for veterans and dependents who are in assisted living. The stipend does not apply to skilled nursing facilities. Even with it, she wouldn't have enough income to pay for even the least expensive skilled nursing facility in the area. I had hoped that she might qualify for state Medicaid, but it's unclear if she can or if that program will still continue in the future. My wife is on disability because of her health issues, so our ability to help my mother is limited, as the ability of my siblings to contribute.

I just needed to put this all down somewhere to help me think straight. Thanks for listening.
Barelygettingby · 56-60, F
Can you hire a sitter for her? It would be considerably less expensive than moving her into skilled nursing facility. It might work for the time being.

As much as it goes against the grain, there is no reason to argue with her for eccentricities like taking her shoes to bed. These will most likely pop up from time to time. Her world makes sense to her and she has reasons even if they are nonsensical or she's unable to verbalize them. It is difficult since her world doesn't play by the rules of order we have been raised to believe is normal. Re-orienting only works so long when dealing with dementia and/or Alzheimer's then it ceases to be effective and only aggravates the situation. As long as these oddities aren't dangerous and don't hurt her or anyone else, she should be fine sleeping with house shoes.

If this progression of memory failure, confusion and odd behavior came on suddenly, I hope the ER did a urinalysis. You simply cannot believe how a urinary tract infection can present in the elderly. It can cause all kinds if confusion and atypical behavior. She may not be able to tell you she has pain with it.

Maybe that helps. Good luck.
Barelygettingby · 56-60, F
I would just try the public aid office in your area. See what programs they have.
DunningKruger · 61-69, M
@Barelygettingby You're not from the US, are you?
Barelygettingby · 56-60, F
Yes. I am. Usually those programs leave the patient with about $30 a month for incidentals. They take the pension, savings, property and anything else of value. At least in this state.
You are in a very tough place. I empathize. It’s emotionally brutal and financially insane. My recommendation would be to approach your version of Office of the Aging and get some guidance from them.

My mother would not consider ‘strangers in her house’ and when it got bad enough that she needed 24/7 observation and I could no longer provide it, I had to put her in a home, which half-killed me with guilt.

It probably won’t help much, but after a couple of experiences with loved ones with dementia I am persuaded they don’t usually understand their surroundings (like your mother not recognizing your house) and it is not as terrible as those on the outside looking in may think.
Classy · 22-25, FVIP
I’m really sorry for your predicament, my grandpa has dementia and I get quite frustrated at times. You however, seem to be very patient and loving towards your mother. I hope you the best of luck.
Serenitree · F
It's a tough thing to see a loved one deteriorate. I'm sorry she is having this problem, and sorrier than I can say about your wife's and your health problems.

Life seems to kick you when you're down.
Keepitsimple · 51-55, F
Talk to the social worker and get a lawyer who deals with this. You can get her on Medicaid also and all her assets will become the state but if the facility will accept the amount available a month it can be done. We went through this with my mother in law who had Alzheimer’s. Prayers for your family!!
SW-User
My mother had the dreaded disease and she had too much income so my brother took care of her. Hospice care if you and your wife can manage it.
Mrsbetweenfatandfit · 26-30, F
Watching the people who took care of us begin to forget parts of their world is never not heart wrenching. Feeling like we cannot give back what was once given to us creates a guilt that grows. I’m truly sorry for your mother and her confusion. I’m sorry for your wife’s situation. For your health and financial future. When it rains it pours. But sunshine will always return to us. Just wait on that sunshine.

 
Post Comment