I Want God At the Center of My Life

I've read that being "afraid" of God, as in thinking he's the type of God that will strike you down for doing the slightest thing wrong is a sign of our "infancy" as Christians. I've known already that I have a long ways to go to be a mature Christian, but I just wish it wasn't so extremely difficult. I feel like it's the most difficult thing a human being could ever achieve in life.

I was raised Catholic even though I don't practice it anymore, and I feel a part of me thinks that's OK, because sometimes I wonder if Catholicism is something disappointing towards God because of the gruesome history of them. Like the Catholic Inquisitions of the Middle Ages. Deep down I don't believe that God has ever been OK with forcing religion with violence and torture. Jesus spoke against that.

For awhile I think I got a taste of what it was like to be at peace of mind as a pretty diligent Christian. I felt I must have God/Jesus in my heart because I felt and saw a powerful change. I know a true Christian would be ashamed to say that keeping up on the religion is a burden. I am ashamed, but there are times when I get really depressed and worry that all my efforts are worthless, because if I abandoned the practice of trying to continue to learn how to be a good Christian the powerful feelings go away and I feel like it takes forever to gain them back.

I admit I still fear the possibilities of hell. I've learned that God doesn't really "send us to hell," we do that by our own will because apparently if you don't believe in God you condemn yourself. I think I read somewhere that God gives us free will to do what we want and hopes we make good decisions. I don't think he thinks he can accept us into heaven unless we trust him. I guess that makes sense because what would be the point in going to heaven if you don't trust God? Why would someone that doesn't trust God want to be there?

I just want to have the assurance that God is proud of me and that I'm going to heaven so I can be happy.