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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Today while I was driving I happened to glance down at my fingers and I realized something. The indention of where my rings used to be (my engagement and wedding band) are gone. The skin looks firm and bare like nothing had ever been there.
It was a strange mix of emotions for some reason. I haven't worn them in some time so that is why, but the reason caused the emotion. A small amount of sadness, and still this suddenly wild thought of "I'm free. One day I really will be free." It doesn't make much sense I suppose, but that is what went through my head.
We are spending less time together. He no longer seems to care whether he gets my "after dinner hanging out to watch TV" attention anymore. He is disengaged and detached as I am. He senses that I have pulled away and I believe feels defeated in calling me back.
I play my role, and he plays his. We get by. The day is coming when I walk away. He dreads it. He doesn't want me at all, but he dreads me leaving because he can't be alone. He has to figure that out. He is 48 years old and I have always been here to catch him. I've been a good wife. A perfect wife? No way, but I did the best I could do and I still continue to help him. It's more than most might do.
I admit, the thought of being along excites and scares me too. The fear of being alone the rest of my life scares me too but, aren't I alone here? Yes, there are people around but the security of a bonded intimate relationship doesn't exist. A body hunkered down on the other end of the couch fills a physical space. It doesn't fill a void.
-Raven

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Peaches · F

There's nothing to fear except fear itself! Do it for [b]you❣🤷💫[/b]

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Peaches · F

@ravenwind43: Oh I agree, I loved my freedom and the peace that came with it!☮

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

@Peaches: sometimes I think loneliness can work against you...so philia "friendship" love is also good and safer in different ways.

Peaches · F

@ravenwind43: Oh...I don't know what that is?!😕

NocturnalTide · 46-50, M

Quite a realization. Often a small glance, a random thought, or a quick glimpse of something you seldom notice can bring an epiphany. I feel for you, sharing a physical property but little else. To feel alone while next so someone must be the loneliest feeling. When the day comes you will walk away, remember you did everything within your power to be a devoted wife. It takes two for any bond to thrive. At some point, you need your freedom or your spirit may wither. I hope the day comes you can spread those wings and experience bigger and better things (and people).

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Thank you, well said and appreciated :D

aradia11 · 61-69, F

Your lucky you have the thought of leaving come true....I am trapped! My husband just takes to the TV always and is very needy n annoying. He is older n has bad arthritis. He is on a fixed income and cannot work so a lot falls on me.
If you are able to get out do so. Living with regret isn't good

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ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

I don't know if it can come true, but it doesn't mean that I don't plan for it anyway. In some ways I completely relate to the trapped feeling. Sorry for your situation.

aradia11 · 61-69, F

@ravenwind43: thankfully we have this place to share...hope you have a peaceful day

Fryguy67 · 56-60, M

@aradia11: yes. Excellent response. That's why we are here ... to talk to.

FreeSpirit1 · 51-55, F

Hang tough, I hope you find happiness with whatever happens.

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

The day is coming. I have to be as happy and positive as I can be until it does. Some days it's easier than others :)

SW-User

Totally there, raven. I feel like we are constantly calling eachother's bluffs. We have locked ourselves in a life and we can't leave. (Trust me.. we just made it worse by moving to a tougher divorce state and living almost beyond our means)

We have one show we share together and the rest of our nights "might" be spent in the same room. Then we go our separate ways for bed.

This site is going for finding those in the same situation. I feel for you. I really do. Take care!

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SW-User

I had drive. My wife did a tremendous job of hiding what she is really like when she is tired of you. Our short dating/engagement never brought it out.

Her most common defense mechanism is meanness. It's hard to keep a sex drive when your wife has emasculated you. I think it's from the trauma of having her alcoholic mom and a dad who was a jackass because he was emasculated. She never learned any correct behaviors and has made no attempt to talk to a professional.

I may be making bad generalizations here but I think you just need to be yourself. Play your game. Be sexy. In the home and out. I'm not saying cheat but be a woman. He's either going to get it. Or you'll get attention outside to at least satisfy some of your womanly needs.

I do the same thing but I have converted it to usefulness and humor (hopefully sexy features of a man).

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Similarly, I think he wanted to be married, and when I agreed I was "exciting" to him, but once the deed was done his interest waned. He has some issues with depression too. I'm sure it contributes to his overall attitude.
I do what I can. I haven't "cheated," at least in some offline capacity. I am confident in my appearance and where I am not I have taken steps to improve. I am concerned with my happiness or at least contentment now.
Those are both good traits, yep!

melbeacher · 56-60, M

@ravenwind43: That is my situation.High gear for me and neutral for her.

MrAnderson · 51-55, M

"A body hunkered down on the other end of the couch fills a physical space. It doesn't fill a void." Beautifully said...if not hard to read because it is what i am going through as well. Its like im not living my life, but just existing in it.

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Yes I can relate to that in some respects. Sorry you are dealing with it as well.

MrAnderson · 51-55, M

@ravenwind43: There are good days where i dont think about it much. I goto the gym. I play my guitar for my three daughters. I write....and then there are days when the loneliness all but consumes me. There isnt much middle ground. I had a bad moment not too long ago watching a hallmark like holiday movie with my kids where the wife and husband kiss at the end and i just tried to remember the past passionate kiss i had. And couldn't.

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

I can relate to that. I have the same days where I don't think of it at all, then something reminds me of it. I also wrote a post here about that on this group.

Syktur · 26-30, M

I'm not trying to interpret your life or anything, but I think what this sounds like is that your relationship has become somewhat of an unhappy habit. I'm sorry that it had to end like that. I hope for better things for you in the future.

UreBesFrend · M

It will be rough splitting up at your age, you will each lose half of everything you worked for all these years, that can be a huge setback to retirement in future. Maybe the two of you should sit down and discuss it before one of you runs away? Maybe you have both just drifted and it is possible to pull it all back with a bit of effort? A marriage counselor might help.

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UreBesFrend · M

Remember that oath you took "till death do you part", this is where it comes into play. He may only have 5 years of life left, you never know. Maybe if he is living on the street that reduces to 1. Do you really hate him that much?

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

I didn't say I hated him, but at some point an adult must take responsibility for themselves.
When you emotionally and sexually abandon your spouse then the vows hold very little water. It would be nice if traditional marriage always worked out, but it doesn't. :)

EnigmaticGeek · 61-69, M

@ravenwind43: I know where you're coming from. You're living like roommates, just like my now 3rd ex-wife and I used to do for several years.

In my case, we split in December, 2015, when I finally realized that she had lied to me about wanting children before we were married. Our divorce was final in March, 2017.

Now, I'm 57 and still haven't given up on having a family of my own, even though I do realize it will be difficult to find a woman of child-bearing age who would want at least two children with a guy my age.

Pherick · 41-45, M

You guys are still married and living together but you don't wear your rings :( That is sad. I hope soon you are able to find some happiness, you deserve it!

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

We don't really "live" together. We share a property and have individual spaces. He still wears his rings.
Thanks:)

Pherick · 41-45, M

@ravenwind43: I understand. I hope things get worked out soon, for both of your sakes! Good luck!

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Fryguy67 · 56-60, M

Hang in there. I hope you find happiness in the future. Have you considered leaving him?

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Oh yes. I have had an exit plan for a about a year now. I've made some good steps this year towards it, but I have other considerations before I do:) Thanks for commenting.

Fryguy67 · 56-60, M

@ravenwind43: if you ever want someone to talk to, or listen to you, just drop me a message. I'll listen....nothing expected in return.

Beachlover · M

Its sad when it comes to that , I'm in the same boat but try to live day to day , I can only wish you all the best.

fazer1k · 56-60, M

It's sad when things turn out that way. I hope you find a way to move on and find a better life for yourself.

DallasCowboysFan · 61-69, M

I hope things work out for you whatever you decide

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

@DallasCowboysFan: Thanks I am sure they will. Life has many twists and turns!

Jasondf · M

Love the profile pic!🙂

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Thanks:)

Gameknot · 56-60, M

Wow. I could have wrote that.

SW-User

sorry to hear that.

SW-User

Is there any attempt at saving the marriage. No doubt you would have to try. A marriage is a sacred thing.. established by God (regardless of who presided) and He sets standards for its dissolution....

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

No there isn't, unfortunately.

adventerous99 · 51-55, M

Has things gotten any better for you? My last two relationships ended similar. We just lost interest in each other. I hope you can find what you need someday.

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

@bohica99: It's a lot more than "losing interest." :) I am good, the relationship remains the same.

melbeacher · 56-60, M

Do you have kids ?

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