I Think Too Much
Because of this rough patch I am going through right now I learned things about myself. I knew it was there but I did not know it was this annoying. It keeps me busy to a point it makes me sad or angry and I end up psyching myself out. But I cant help it.
I guess it started as some sort of defense mode to protect me from going into bad situations. It makes me overthink things thinking I would somehow prepare myself for disapointment and in most cases judged it right.
But now I get to a point where I overthink peoples actions too. "why would he do that" or "he must think i am stupid" which I was aware of so i thought myself to just be straight forward because it only happens with people I like or care about. Which makes it worse because you should never doubt people you love and care about. Getting a honest answer from them and proving my worries wrong has put my mind at ease and with some people I even stopped doing that which feels so great.
Being in this damaged friendship which I caused myself but which I also deeply regret does not really help with my overthinking. I want to make it right and prove that I am good but now he does not even reply my to a casual "how is it going?"
My brain is in overdrive and going through hundreds of scenarios why he is not replying. Although i perfectly know what the main issue is, he's still upset with me. Or he just plain hates me now? Why? Does his family have something to do with it? Or is he just busy with work? No! he's just ignoring me to let me know he's pissed. He hates.... I can never make this right again.
NOOOOO! this must stop for my own sanity. Thats why i write this down to tell myself. STOP IT! when i read this back. Calm down, ignore it and go do something fun to get your mind of things.
I am a mess and people that not know me must think I am obsessed but I know I am not. I am just scared of not knowing.
I guess it started as some sort of defense mode to protect me from going into bad situations. It makes me overthink things thinking I would somehow prepare myself for disapointment and in most cases judged it right.
But now I get to a point where I overthink peoples actions too. "why would he do that" or "he must think i am stupid" which I was aware of so i thought myself to just be straight forward because it only happens with people I like or care about. Which makes it worse because you should never doubt people you love and care about. Getting a honest answer from them and proving my worries wrong has put my mind at ease and with some people I even stopped doing that which feels so great.
Being in this damaged friendship which I caused myself but which I also deeply regret does not really help with my overthinking. I want to make it right and prove that I am good but now he does not even reply my to a casual "how is it going?"
My brain is in overdrive and going through hundreds of scenarios why he is not replying. Although i perfectly know what the main issue is, he's still upset with me. Or he just plain hates me now? Why? Does his family have something to do with it? Or is he just busy with work? No! he's just ignoring me to let me know he's pissed. He hates.... I can never make this right again.
NOOOOO! this must stop for my own sanity. Thats why i write this down to tell myself. STOP IT! when i read this back. Calm down, ignore it and go do something fun to get your mind of things.
I am a mess and people that not know me must think I am obsessed but I know I am not. I am just scared of not knowing.
36-40, M