Isolation.

I'm having a really hard time right now with suicidal thoughts and self harm. I don't feel able to reach out to my friends for help. I desperately want them to reach out to me, because I need them. But if they do reach out, I don't know if I'll respond. I don't know if I can. But I really do need them.

This is the worst I've been in a long time. possibly the worst I've ever been. I've never felt this isolated from my friends, despite never before having this many. I hate that I'm doing this to myself. I feel totally trapped being this person who can't and doesn't want to help herself. Who can't even ask for help. I don't see a way out right now.

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Graylight · 51-55, F

Find a 12-step meeting in your area. It doesn't matter what kind...they're all welcoming. At the very least, you can kill an hour safely sitting a room with people who struggle every day with their demons in an effort at a better life. At best, you can safely interact with strangers, explain your fears and make some valuable contacts. You don't have to use a substance; you only have to want a better path.

Reaching out is always hardest at your lowest times. but as someone else posted here, you've survived 100% of your worst days so far; that's a hell of a track record. Hang in there, PM anyone who strikes you, stay close to well lit places and people. This will pass - it always has and it will again. Good luck.